Drum roll please! I did a little call out to find out just how bad 2016 was for some of us mortals, otherwise known as parents. I kept out names (we don't want more shame!). But maybe this might just help you feel a little better about yourself.
1. I dropped my daughter off at an overnight camp and said goodbye. And then when I got home I realized I left all her bedding on my front seat. I had to drive seven hours all the way back.
2. I sent a sexy photo (and I mean sexy) to my kid's old soccer coach that was meant for my boyfriend! So embarrassing!
I ran out of diapers once for my son, so...
3. I bought an ounce for my son for getting his college applications out on time.
4. Well, yesterday, Lulu fell head first off of an air mattress while reciting her lines for the church Christmas presentation that I was making her work extra hard on. I don't know if it was my greatest fail but it was a big fall for her.
5. My husband was so annoyed and irritated trying in vain to help our oldest (who was 15 at the time) with trigonometry, that, out of complete and utter frustration, my hubby actually grabbed our son's arm and bit him. As in, sunk his teeth into his child's flesh. My husband bit our 15-year-old on purpose. Imagine me sitting, shaking my head. Yikes!
6. I ran out of diapers once for my son, so on the way to the store to get more, I put a pair of his big sister's "my little pony" underwear on him and stuck a HUGE maxi pad in them. That shit worked perfect.
7. I accidentally set out Tom's of Maine toothpaste for my mother, who was helping, and she then spread it all over my kids' faces and bodies thinking it was sunscreen (wide tube compared to other toothpaste). Little one kept saying, "This smells like toothpaste! This smells like toothpaste!" She ignored him, too busy marveling at how nice and thick it was.
8. My baby fell asleep on the bed next to me and it seemed like a prime opportunity to use my vibrator. The hum probably kept her asleep.
9. I didn't call the police when I found out a nanny put my son in a time out and held the door shut while he was hysterically screaming to get out.
10. I called my kids "fucking assholes."
And the bonus ...
11. My daughter threatened to spit on me. I told her she doesn't want to do that. I strongly encouraged her to swallow her wad. But she didn't. She spit on me and ran into the other room to seek shelter from her dad. But I was right behind, caught her and held her down. I gave her a facial with her own spit. I then dropped my own loogie on her face and calmly explained the facial I was giving her while she lay helpless. I was crying (and) laughing so hard. She got in the shower. She will never spit on me again and has definitely taken my warnings since so I guess there's that.