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My Kids Don't Need to Play With Anatomically Correct Toy Animals

Photograph by Twenty20

My family may pride itself in being open-minded, but don't let fool you into thinking my husband and I are OK with our daughters playing with a horse's penis.

It's unclear why Canadian toy manufacturer Battat thought toy horses needed a penis and testicles. Battat's other toys such as the Scamperscoot Chipmunk Family and Snipadoodle Sheep, appear to be significantly less porn-y, unless underneath their bow ties and aprons are S&M whips and chains waiting for a turn.

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Before you start scorching the comments section about how we're so uptight, we're fine if our girls use the word "penis" in conversation, just as "vagina" is totally acceptable (even if what they're technically talking about is a vulva)—there are no cutesy anatomical nicknames in our family. We're also fine with chubby Barbie, dolls with birthmarks, Hipster Dad, Breastfeeding Doll (you know, kind of), and Gay Bob. Basically we're good with any toy—politically correct or otherwise—just as long as it's fun.

If you're not sure just how inappropriate a kid can be when armed with just a plastic toy and their imagination, give them a horse with a penis.

However, play penises are where we draw the line.

Bringing a penis into child's play opens up a whole can of worms no parent should have to deal with. It's absolutely appropriate for kids to know as much as possible about the body parts of both sexes—it's utterly ridiculous to think they need to incorporate it in their absentminded games (and if you think small children won't find a use for the each and every appendage on a doll, you must not have ever been a small child.)

All a kid needs is to catch of whiff of indecency or vulgarity to take it to an even more disgraceful level. It's basically their specialty. If you're not sure just how inappropriate a kid can be when armed with just a plastic toy and their imagination, give them a horse with a penis.

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It just so happens the penis on this horse is glaring, too—it's not as if it can really be ignored. If the toy manufacturer really had the urge to go into detail, shouldn't they have focused on the teeth? Don't horses have big teeth? Wouldn't that be a more appropriate focal point?

There are endless jokes that can be made speculating as to why a child's toy needs what appears to be a grown human man's penis on a horse. But we're talking about a children's toy, so as loosey-goosey as our family is, these are jokes we prefer to keep among the adults and not hear our impressionable young kids making.

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