I have fond memories of riding in the car with my mom—and her sticking her arm out to prevent me from sliding off the seat when she made a sudden stop. Seatbelts, schmeatbelts, I'm still alive, aren't I?
You haven't been loved until your mom smooths your 'do into place by spitting in her hand and then running it through your hair. With all the money she saved on styling gel, she saved up enough to buy you those pink foam rollers when you were a teenager.
Put a Coke in your lunchbox
I don't know about you, but I miss the days when it was acceptable to put a soda in your kid's lunchbox. It sure was cheaper and easier to find than organic kombucha in a kid-safe, bpa-free pouch.
Send you to the store for bread
Back when kids were allowed to go outside by themselves, moms used to send their children to the store. On their own. Without a cellphone. Without a GPS tracker. Now, another parent will report you to the authorities if they see little Timmy wandering the muffin aisle alone.
Tell you to walk to your friend’s house
I used to walk around 20 minutes to my friend's house, alone. Not sure what my mom was thinking, but I recall it was usually preceded by her yelling, "Out!" Now, shenanigans like that would guarantee a visit to parents from child services and worse—a severe lashing on Facebook.
Meet your date when they picked you up
Back in ancient times, dates (or "suitors" as ancient people called them) would actually get out of their cars, walk to the door and address their date's mom as "ma'am" or "Mrs. Somethingsomething." Now, since dates just honk their horns and sit on their asses in the car, moms have to quickly look up their license plates numbers to make sure they're not wanted in five states.
Send you to the neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar
There was a time when we all knew our neighbors, liked them even! Moms felt fine sending you next door to borrow whatever she needed to finish her baking. Now we don't trust anyone, and what if you came back with a cup full of cocaine instead of sugar? I cry thinking about how close I came to dying after eating my mom's pound cake.
Talk to your neighbors
Forget borrowing anything—who even talks to their neighbors anymore? I remember my mom spending hours talking to our neighbors over the backyard fence. She even invited them over for heaven's sake! Although in hindsight maybe they were finalizing their cocaine deals.
Our moms never even knew what babyproofing was, as evidenced by those glass coffee tables so popular in the '70s. Babies learned how to walk holding on to these weapons just waiting to poke their eyes out. Then came baby-proofing, and moms were forced to cover table edges with foam bumpers that were so hideous no one bought a glass coffee table ever again. And glass coffee table makers went bankrupt. I hope you're happy, modern moms.
Not answer the phone when away from their kids
Maybe Mom was out back having a cigarette or shaking up a martini for your dad, but there were many times that your phone calls would go unanswered. Now, we wouldn't think of missing a call from our kids—what if they're calling from the trunk of a car or from a ditch somewhere?
Go to the pool without sunscreen
I can still smell the baby oil I lathered on to my skin before a trip to the local pool. That was before science ruined all of my fun and declared the sun our enemy. Soon, moms wouldn't let their kids leave the house without sunscreen that was SPF 500. It would be a few years before science completely wiped out my will to live by moving Twinkies to the bottom of the food pyramid.
Let the neighborhood teenager babysit
In the good old days, 13-year-old Susie from next door would come over and babysit while mom went to a Tupperware party or headed out for a Midori Sour with the gals. That was before the new-fangled rules, where anyone watching our kids needed to have a nursing degree, get fingerprinted and have an FBI background check.
Let you eat your Halloween candy as soon as you got home
I know we all have memories of coming home after trick-or-treating, dumping our candy out, trading away all the Tootsie Rolls and then eating until we puked. Now Halloween bags are snatched from kids' hands as soon as they walk in the door. Parents x-ray, pilfer for their full-sized Reeses PB cups, and then ration out pitiful amounts.
Children, rise up and take back your Halloween! #resist
Leave you in the car while she ran into the store 'real quick'
Moms, remember when you could leave the little rascals in the car while you ran into the store and picked up a few things? No having to unbuckle carseats and, most importantly, no having to deal with tantrums in Aisle 5. That was before laws and common sense came along and made it a crime to leave kids unattended. Coincidentally, this was precisely the time when wine sales to moms skyrocketed.
Let your friend pierce your ears
Maybe it wasn't very hygienic, but back in the day kids pierced each other's ears on the schoolyard with a needle, a match and an apple slice. When my own girls wanted to get their ears pierced at the mall, I researched the store to make sure they didn't have any health code violations. I kept my finger on the 911 buttons the entire time. I would've requested a tetanus shot and a short hospital stay, but my husband convinced me it was overkill.
Let you sit behind the wheel of the car to pretend you were driving
What kid doesn't remember their mom letting them "steer" the car when they were little? It was especially dangerous since this was while she was driving on the freeway, without a seatbelt and smoking. Now we need only remember the public flogging Brittany Spears got to make us afraid of even letting our kids touch the car when it's in the driveway.
Ride your bike without a helmet
Remember the wind in your hair, the sun on your scalp and not feeling like a dork? That was before this crazy concept called "safety" was hammered down upon us, forcing moms to insist you wear a helmet whenever you rode your bike into a busy intersection. Thanks, Obama.
Let you use a pair of scissors on your own
I distinctly remember doing crafts with my fellow 3-year-olds and using scissors to cut construction paper circles. Then some kid in a preschool class somewhere cut his finger off, and pretty soon scissors were evil. Now they're made out of plastic and useless and can only be used under the supervision of a certified EMT.
What kind of monster buys a kid cigarettes? The awesome kind, that's who. Candy cigarettes were a treat mom bought you when you'd aced your spelling test, or when you needed a prop for your Fonzie impersonation. Now moms would never think of buying their kids candy cigarettes, although giving them mints that look exactly like meth is perfectly acceptable.
Let you watch 6 hours of TV without shame
Back in the day, we'd sit and watch hours and hours of TV shows that haven't been vetted by a child advocacy group and rated for content and age. Now, moms follow up with chats about their child's feelings after watching nature shows about the predators of the Savannah, which itself triggers conversations about body integrity and assertion skills.