kindergarten teacher is teaching her how to read. Which should be awesome... but it's also kind of the worst. Allow me to explain: I
have always depended on my daughter’s inability to decipher the written word as
a key parenting strategy—my best defense against all the things I don’t want
her to do. Now I’m so screwed.
I mean sure, I'm also super proud when I watch my six-year-old adorably sounding out the words in her easy reader chapter books, but her new skill set is really messing with my mom game.
Here are just some of the things I won't be able to lie about anymore thanks to all the reading:
“Gee honey, this restaurant doesn’t even have
French fries. All the entrees come with a side of fruit and a glass of milk.
Weird. Nope, they don’t have dessert. That says ‘desert,’ I swear. You don’t
want to eat sand, do you?"
one last ride on the swings because the park is closing in five minutes. Yes, I
know it’s still light out. It says here they have to clean it tonight, so
everybody’s got to go home. Says it
right here, on the sign, see?”
end. Yes, it is strange that we never found out what happens to Pinkalicious. I guess
it’s a cliffhanger. Maybe there's a sequel? Let’s get you to
It's called '50 Shades of Crayons,' honey, and it's about a young woman who wants to be an artist and draw pictures of neckties.
husband) “Babe I bought some C-A-K-E we can eat after the kids go to bed.” (To child) "I was spelling 'kale,' honey. I know you
think it’s yucky. That’s why we’re waiting until you go to bed.”
"It's talking about all the news happening in the world today. Like, there's a parade. And the weather is supposed to be sunny. Let's see if we have any PAW Patrol..."
Mommy's Nightstand Reading
"It's called '50 Shades of Crayons,' honey, and it's about a young woman who wants to be an artist and draw pictures of neckties."
Some might say I've been relying too much on lies. I call it creative problem resolution. But since I can't fudge the written word anymore, it looks like I'm going to have to switch tactics. I figure I've got about two more years until the kid learns Pig Latin, so until then, I bought some INE-WAY and I'm going to open it tonight.