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5 Things I'd Rather Talk About Than My Baby

Every holiday season, I go to events and parties armed with an interesting tidbit that I work into every conversation. Here are examples of conversation topics from my previous holidays: the existence of Pachno Clause, Santa’s Mexican cousin; the fact that blood bounces on ice; Lithopedian babies are mummified in the womb; and how the condition known as the “Jumping Frenchmen of Maine” is a real disease.

I’m a real hit at parties.

That is, I was a hit. Last year, I walked into my first holiday gathering of the season, armed with my tidbit about Saddam Hussein having an entire Quran written in his blood. After a quick sampling of cookies, I was cornered by an uncle. Last year, all he wanted to do was discuss the politics of the Middle East, so I figured I’d try the blood Quran story on him. Only, I never got to use it.

“How’s the baby?” He asked.

“Oh, she’s great. Hey, crazy about the Middle East, right? You know…”

“Have you started her on solids yet? That’s when the poop really changes.”

I blinked. Here was an intelligent, middle-aged lawyer and all he wanted to talk to me about was poop. But, it wasn’t just him. Since having my daughter, all people want to me to talk about is my baby. And don’t get me wrong, I love crowing about how she can say “handsome” and “unbelievable” and how she shakes her booty to Rihanna like a boss. But eventually, I want to talk about something else. I mean, I’m sure she hates me talking about her when she’s right there, and I assume people get annoyed by my stories of her criticizing my cleanliness (“uh oh, yucky mama!”). But I just can’t change the topic of conversation. It all comes back to the baby.

This phenomenon baffles me. One peek at the internet tells me that parents talk about their kids way too much and the rest of the world is irritated. Sites like UnBabyMe and STFUParents have cropped up to address the growing needs of the sans baby world to vent about how parents only talk about their kids. And I don’t want to annoy you, you poor childless masses. But you just won’t let me be normal. Once I proved that my uterus worked you were all, “CAN SHE MAKE A CAR SOUND?!” When I try to turn the conversation to Downton Abbey you’re all, “Can she tell me what color this is?”

So, I decided to create a guide of things you can talk to me about that don’t deal with my kid.

1. Sherlock: So, the PBS Sherlock series is pretty amazing. But what is up with Elementary? I can’t watch that without having Trainspotting flashbacks and why wasn’t Lucy Liu cast as Sherlock? Johnny Lee Miller is too whiny and bumbling, like he’s playing Hugh Grant’s crime-solving cousin.

2.Pinterest: What the hell is wrong with that site? I mean, I own mason jars, but they don’t do all the crap that mason jars on Pinterest due. My mason jars are lazy. And when I tried to make that face soothing face mask I broke out into hives. What is this, Skynet? YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME, PINTEREST?! YOU ARE NOT!

3. Hiding things in walls: First of all, there is a word to describe this practice, it’s “immuring.” So, basically that means putting stuff in walls is a thing, which both allures me and freaks me out. Because people have been known to immure babies in walls and then years later, hapless renovating home owners have to deal with a mummified baby coming out of their walls. Wait, where are you going? I want to talk about this!

4.Elmo’s World: Back now? Good. Let’s talk about why is the Shade such a jerk to Elmo? He never goes up and you have to watch him, kvetch and flap, and I’m all like, JUST GO UP SHADEY! JUST ROLL YOURSELF UP! But it takes him forever and that’s time that we could have totally spent yelling at Mr. Noodle, who has his own problems, like a 50-year-old man who needs kindergarteners to tell him how to put toothpaste on a toothbrush? What are we teaching our children?

5….Okay, number five. Um, gosh. This is hard. Here, let’s just look at a picture of my child and talk about how adorable it is when she tells me that she has gas. Except she says it “gah-sh” so, it’s pretty adorable. Not like normal gas. Also, I’m pretty sure it smells better too. Here, sniff it!

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