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Going to the Bathroom Alone, and 4 Other Realistic Vacations for Moms

Photograph by Twenty20

Many years ago, when my kids were little, I received an exciting invitation via email. It came from a single friend of mine asking if I’d like to join her and two of her friends for a five-day trip to Mexico. When I finally stopped laughing, I wiped the spittle off my shirt, pried my breast from my baby’s vise-like mouth and tried to calm my 2-year-old, who was wailing hard about her mismatched socks. I told my friend I wouldn’t be able to make this trip, but I was already packing my bags for when I'd be able to join her—in about 10 years.

To be honest, while a relaxing beach vacation sounded amazing, at the time my sights were set much lower. I was fantasizing about just being able to complete a thought before the end of the day. But it has me wondering. There could be big business for travel agents who offer realistic getaways for moms. Here are some vacation packages I would have paid big bucks for.

A Trip to the Bathroom Alone

Come experience an indulgent, uninterrupted 20-minute respite in this tiled, cozy sanctuary. With our "Go Girl" package you can go for as long as you’d like without someone bursting in to ask you a question or demanding gum. Read, do a crossword puzzle or browse Facebook completely uninterrupted and come out when you’re good and ready. Absolutely no double occupancy allowed on this excursion.

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Just Your Family at Chuck E. Cheese

Ever wonder what a day at Chuck E. Cheese would be like without all of those other annoying people there to spoil your fun? Wonder no more! With the "This Cheese Stands Alone" package you and your kids will have this unflatteringly lit, padded paradise all to yourselves. Imagine not having to brawl with other parents over the ticket machine, or stand in line for sub-par salad. Best of all, when your kid crawls through vomit in the play tunnel, you'll know exactly whose it is!

Imagine feeling the wind at your hair and no voices from the backseat asking, 'Are we there yet?'

Target with Cocktails

Just when you thought a solo trip to Target couldn’t get any dreamier—we’ve added alcohol! You’ll never look at the detergent aisle the same way again once you’ve treated yourself to our "It’s Come to This" package. Start your trip at the entrance with a craft cocktail expertly mixed by a Target team member and end it in the "cafe" with a glass of wine and a slice of lukewarm pizza. Finally, you’ll find out what that cup holder on the shopping cart is really for!

Driving Solo

Close your eyes and imagine being in your car by yourself, without anyone kicking the back of your seat. Now open them, because it’s dangerous to drive with your eyes closed! Then make this dream a reality with our "Rolling With No Homies" package! Ladies, start your engines and get going without first having to buckle anyone into a car seat or listen to the "Frozen" soundtrack for the 5,000th time. Imagine feeling the wind at your hair and no voices from the backseat asking, “Are we there yet?” Experience stunning views and breathtaking vistas. Or just be content staring at endless rows of houses in your neighborhood because who cares—you’re in the car alone!

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Just Sitting on the Couch Doing Nothing

Sit back, breathe deep and experience the alluring charm of that long, cushioned thing in your living room. And with our "Sounds of Silence" package you’ll be able to enjoy it like never before! Relax without anyone hanging off your breast. Listen to absolutely nothing. Feel your heartbeat instead of tiny, sticky hands clawing at your arms. Our most popular dream destination includes a blanket and bag of potato chips at no extra charge.

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