I just loved you on X Factor (no, actually, that was embarrassing), rather America’s Got Talent (except in this case, America didn't have talent), OK, Twitter. I just love you on Twitter. And I love the horoscopes you publish, just for Virgos. I'm not a Virgo but I hate to be left out, so I read them anyway. I also love the way you publish inspirational messages and advice, like how to deal with anxiety, depression and hangnails. It's weird. I had terrible post-partum depression after the birth of my second child. My doctor prescribed Xanax for my anxiety, but it turns out all I needed was Twitter. Live and learn.
What I love most about you on Twitter is the way you use it as your very own personal soap opera. It's so cool how you and @BrandiGlanville are totally going at it via the Internet. I love how you both curse and swear at each other right before you say, "All I care about are our kids." That's such a progressive way to co-parent, by doing exactly opposite of what's good for the kids. It's so good to subject your children and stepchildren to total humiliation at such an early age so they are better prepared for when you humiliate them later. Which of course, you will.
You see, you took something pretty important to a mom: her family.
I know you're thinking, "Hey, it takes two to Twitter." You are absolutely right, except not at all. Sure @BrandiGlanville doesn't have to constantly malign you on TV, in her book and on Twitter. It's not nice. I totally agree, except not at all.
You see, you took something pretty important to a mom: her family. Sometimes people don't always act nicely when something's been taken from them. When Susie Patock took my Holly Hobbie doll from me in 3rd grade, I'll admit I wasn't on my best behavior for weeks to come. I can only imagine if Susie had Twitter, and kept bragging about life with my Holly Hobbie. That wouldn’t be nice. Neither is wrecking a family and then acting like you've somehow been victimized.
So yeah, it would be super cool if @BrandiGlanville took her own advice and "Shut the eff up!" but she's probably a little busy dealing with all the anxiety that comes with finding out her husband was a tweater. Hopefully she's a Virgo though, since today you posted some killer advice on surviving hard times.
THE ADVICE LEANN RIMES DIDN’T ASK FOR: In a few years, when you find out Eddie's been tweating on you with some other country singer/actress/cocktail waitress/breathing female (he probably already is), you'll know what it's like to have your whole life taken away from you, by someone on Twitter. Maybe then you'll tweet: @Sorry to @BrandiGlanville. She deserves it.