I'm sitting at an all-ladies dinner when the subject of underwear comes up,
as it's been known to do. A heated debate ensues, and I learn that I am
sitting among a group of women who may, or may not, wear underwear on
a regular basis.
Now before you go thinking my besties are a bunch of underwear-haters,
think again: Their mothers were. It appears that, at least in a few cases,
their mothers waged a calculated campaign against that tiny little cloth that
protects a lady and her parts from the elements.
Me, I'm an underwear fan, so was my mom. But I do remember my
childhood best friend's mother always telling her not to wear underwear at
night because, "The vagina needs to air out."
I wonder if this is true. So of course, I consult the most reliable source I
know: Google. I learn that no, there is no medical evidence that a lady's
parts need to breathe.
So, why the anti-underwear campaign? And what other lies did our
mothers tell us? As one of the last pre-Google generation, we were
susceptible to old-mother's tales. Now that we know our lady parts
don't need fresh air, what other misinformation did our mothers plant in our heads?
If You Look Directly At The Sun You'll Go Blind. OK, here's how you do
go blind: cataracts, glaucoma, macular degeneration and diabetes. Sure,
there are other things that can ruin your vision, but looking at the sun is not
one of them. Here's what does happen when you look at the sun—you can't
see for like a second—because the sun is in your eyes. And worse yet, you have
to walk around for the next 17 hours with that bright "I just looked at the
sun" blotch over your eyes. So your mom was right, looking at the sun
isn't a good idea. But it won't make you lose your vision.
So here's how you can get pregnant—by having sex.
You Can Get Pregnant From a Hot Tub. When I was 16, my good friend
Stephie called me, frantic after having hot tub'd with her boyfriend Lance. She
was sure she was preggo, having been told by countless friends (who sourced their mothers) that sperm swims faster in a hot tub. Well, unless
the dude in question has Michael Phelps swimmers, they are not making it
across the hot tub and swimming directly into your ovulating ovaries before
the chlorine kills each and every one of them. So here's how you can get
pregnant—by having sex. Now, sex in a hot tub, that's another question.
Scones Are Fat Free. This is a personal one for me because I spent years
going to the gym to work off my scone-ass because my mom once told me
scones are fat free. Fat-free scones are actually fat free. But, the others, the
delicious ones? Yep, they're full of fat. Why else do they taste so good?
Don't Make a Funny Face or Your Face Will Stay That Way. They probably
meant well, our mothers, when they saw us in a restaurant or in the back of
the car making a funny face at a stranger and told us, "Don't do that or
your face will stay that way." They meant well in a cautionary tale kind of way. Like, someone's going to see your funny face and beat the crap out of you way.
But it's still a load. Short of getting Bell's Palsy, funny face it all you
If You Go Outside with Wet Hair, You'll Catch A Cold. Most people believe
you lose heat from your body through your head, thus making wet hair
outside a bad idea. You actually lose heat equally throughout your body, making a wet head about as good or bad an idea as a wet arm (as if this is a global problem) or toe. Truthfully, most colds are viral and are transferred
from one cold carrier to the next. So you want a guaranteed way to get a
cold? Hang out with a toddler or spend seven seconds on an airplane. Going
outside with wet hair might make you cold, but it won't give you one.
If You Swallow Gum, It'll Grow Inside Your Stomach. OK, so things that
grow are either plants or people. Chewing gum is actually made of (get
ready to spit) a form of latex. That means chewing gum is made
of rubber. So while it might not feel so good to have a big wad of
strawberry rubber in your tummy, it's not going to grow there anytime