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'I Let My Kids Listen to Inappropriate Music'

Photograph by Getty Images

It’s summertime, which means my husband’s custody schedule changes up a bit and we get the kids a lot more. Yay! This gives us plenty of time for family cookouts, pool time and horseback riding! This also gives me plenty of time to muck everything up and make both kids cry AT ONCE. I am so gifted and grateful that I only have to list seven of the parenting mistakes I made last week …

RELATED: 7 Parenting Mistakes I Made This Week

1. How My Kid's Hair Changed Color

After several hours in the pool Friday, Saturday and Sunday, my blonde 6-year-old stepdaughter, Chloe, was looking a little, well, shall we say her hair was “with envy”? No? FINE. I turned her hair green with chlorine. Are we happy? (For the record, she is not and is telling everyone about me putting baking soda in her hair. (That’s what Google said to do!)

2. I Flip-Flopped at a Fast Food Joint

While spending the day with my dad, the kids and I decided to stop by Chick-Fil-A for some lunch. Trey, my 4-year-old stepson, had just woken up from a nap and was in no mood to eat. Rather than order for him, which I usually do I SWEAR, I let him take the reins because, Y’ALL, he was grumpy. Naturally, he ordered an ice cream. Naturally, when it came and his sister got a plate full of delicious chicken and fries, he had himself a little meltdown. Like the nice stepmama that I am, I refused to buy him anything else to eat … until I did.

3. WHAT Did She Just Sing???

I always thought Flo Rida’s “Whistle” was a catchy tune until I heard Chloe singing every single lyric as loud as she could and as CLEARLY as she could. This is a child who messes up the words to “She Loves You” by The Beatles, but hit every lyric on the head with “Whistle.” Even after realizing what the song was really, truly about (yes, I am a delicate, innocent flower) I let her finish it. She screamed when I turned it off, OK!?

4. At Least They're Trained Well

The pool we go to belongs to my husband’s uncle and he lives two houses down our secluded road. The kids had been fantastic all day, so I told them that when we drove to the pool, one of them could sit up front. Instead of acting like this was the GREATEST THING EVER, they proceeded to freak the hell out and tell me that I would go to jail if I ever allowed such a thing. And then they told everyone for the next five days that I tried to make them sit up front … WITHOUT A BOOSTER SEAT.

I thought I might pee my pants from laughing so hard.

5. Who Taught Her That Word?

I took the kids on a wholesome, heartwarming trip to the library! With our arms full of books that needed to be returned, we realized the library was closed and we’d have to come back another day. “Why don’t we go put these in the book drop and we’ll come back tomorrow?” I said, practically skipping in the warm sunshine. “The book drop?” Chloe asked. “What in the HELL is a book drop?” You guys, I could barely scold her because I thought I might pee my pants from laughing so hard.

6. I Forgot What Was Important

Chloe was making a card for daddy and it was taking far longer than necessary. After every three or four tries, she would throw herself on the dining room table and sob. I lost patience by the fifteenth card. “Chloe, it is NOT a big deal. It is JUST A CARD. Get over it and MAKE ONE.” She sat up, looked at me and said “THIS IS A BIG DEAL, IT’S A CARD FOR MY DADDY AND IT HAS TO BE PERFECT.” Oof. You know that quote about the little stuff being the big stuff for your little kids? Yeah. Slap me upside the head with that one, would ya? I’ll be over here making my little kid cry again.

RELATED: I Threw Everyone Under the Bus

7. My Scatter-Brained Self Will Never Live This Down

Oh, hey. Did I mention that this week was also the week I called my kids liars and thieves? They still remind me of that, by the way. Like, every time I see them. “Sammy, remember that time you lost your wedding rings and you blamed me and Trey, but they were really in your pocket the WHOLE TIME?”

Yeah. So when do you think she’ll forgive me for that?

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