It’s summertime, which means my husband’s custody schedule changes up a bit and we get the
kids a lot more. Yay! This gives us plenty of time for family cookouts, pool
time and horseback riding! This also gives me plenty of time to muck everything
up and make both kids cry AT ONCE. I am so gifted and grateful that I only have
to list seven of the parenting mistakes I made last week …
several hours in the pool Friday, Saturday and Sunday, my blonde 6-year-old stepdaughter,
Chloe, was looking a little, well, shall we say her hair was “with envy”? No?
FINE. I turned her hair green with chlorine. Are we happy? (For the record, she
is not and is telling everyone about me putting baking soda in her hair.
(That’s what Google said to do!)
2. I Flip-Flopped at a Fast Food Joint
While spending the day with my
dad, the kids and I decided to stop by Chick-Fil-A for some lunch. Trey, my 4-year-old stepson, had just woken up from a nap and was in no mood to eat.
Rather than order for him, which I usually do I SWEAR, I let him take the reins
because, Y’ALL, he was grumpy. Naturally, he ordered an ice cream. Naturally,
when it came and his sister got a plate full of delicious chicken and fries, he
had himself a little meltdown. Like the nice stepmama that I am, I refused to
buy him anything else to eat … until I did.
3. WHAT Did She Just Sing???
I always thought Flo Rida’s
“Whistle” was a catchy tune until I heard Chloe singing every single lyric as
loud as she could and as CLEARLY as she could. This is a child who messes up
the words to “She Loves You” by The Beatles, but hit every lyric on the head
with “Whistle.” Even after realizing what the song was really, truly about (yes,
I am a delicate, innocent flower) I let her finish it. She screamed when I
turned it off, OK!?
4. At Least They're Trained Well
The pool we
go to belongs to my husband’s uncle and he lives two houses down our secluded
road. The kids had been fantastic all day, so I told them that when we drove to
the pool, one of them could sit up front. Instead of acting like this was the
GREATEST THING EVER, they proceeded to freak the hell out and tell me that I
would go to jail if I ever allowed such a thing. And then they told everyone
for the next five days that I tried to make them sit up front … WITHOUT A
I thought I might pee my pants from laughing so hard.
5. Who Taught Her That Word?
I took the kids on a wholesome,
heartwarming trip to the library! With our arms full of books that needed to be
returned, we realized the library was closed and we’d have to come back another
day. “Why don’t we go put these in the book drop and we’ll come back tomorrow?”
I said, practically skipping in the warm sunshine. “The book drop?” Chloe
asked. “What in the HELL is a book drop?” You guys, I could barely scold her
because I thought I might pee my pants from laughing so hard.
6. I Forgot What Was Important
making a card for daddy and it was taking far longer than necessary. After
every three or four tries, she would throw herself on the dining room table and
sob. I lost patience by the fifteenth card. “Chloe, it is NOT a big deal. It is
JUST A CARD. Get over it and MAKE ONE.” She sat up, looked at me and said “THIS
IS A BIG DEAL, IT’S A CARD FOR MY DADDY AND IT HAS TO BE PERFECT.” Oof. You
know that quote about the little stuff being the big stuff for your little
kids? Yeah. Slap me upside the head with that one, would ya? I’ll be over here
making my little kid cry again.
7. My Scatter-Brained Self Will Never Live This Down
Oh, hey. Did I mention that this
week was also the week I called my kids liars and
thieves? They still remind me of that, by the way. Like, every time I see
them. “Sammy, remember that time you lost your wedding rings and you blamed me
and Trey, but they were really in your pocket the WHOLE TIME?”
when do you think she’ll forgive me for that?