I'm sitting here patiently waiting for Mother Nature to put
me out of my misery. At 38 weeks, I've had all I can take. My stomach is
already stretched to the max, and I feel as if this baby is practicing to be a
jujitsu champion. Whatever the case may
be, this third trimester has been anything but fun. Forget being that glowing
beautiful whatever-it-is that people always talk about. I more resemble the
lady from The Grudge right about now.
Here are my top 10 reasons for hating these last three months
of pregnancy. Are you with me?
I'm snoring so loud that I actually
wake myself up. I detest snoring. My husband snores logs, so at least we have that
in common right now.
I cannot tell you how painful
these little guys are. I didn't have them until after labor with my first son.
This time around they reared their ugly little heads in full force at eight
months. God bless Preparation H.
It's a comedy of errors, ladies—like the
worst game of Twister you've ever played. It's hard to be sexy when you can't
even see what you're doing down there. I've never been so excited to have
regular missionary style sex again in my entire life. Enough of these weird
4. Braxton Hicks
If I could go back in time and
meet Mr./Dr. Braxton Hicks, I'd punch him in his balls, because that would be the
equivalent of what I've been feeling for the past three months or so. I get it.
My body gets it. We're preparing for labor. Cut it out!
It is cruel and unusual punishment
that pregnant women can't take Alka-Seltzer or sodium bicarbonate or whatever.
It's the only thing that calms my stomach. Right now I'm carrying Tums around
in a Pez dispenser, popping them at every stoplight in the car. For the record,
I'm patenting that idea right now.
At this point, I'm welcoming labor.
6. People Who Ask When the Baby Is Due
if one more person asks me this question, I’m going to answer with a, "What
baby? I'm not pregnant!" Clearly I'm huge, but they don't need to rub it
in by asking if I'm due tomorrow or in a few days.
7. People Who
Ask if I’m Going to "Try for That Girl"
I have one son, and am
expecting my second son. I'm happy to have two children to call my own. As long
as they are healthy, that's all that matters.
8. Elephantiasis of the Feet
I'm down to one pair
of flip-flops that I can actually wear without pain. My feet are cartoonish,
almost as if someone blew them up with air. I'd be really good at driving Fred
Flintstone's car right about now.
9. Pregnancy-Induced Narcolepsy
I fall asleep
everywhere and anywhere that I am. No joke. In movie theaters, mid-conversation
with my husband, while on the phone. I'm just drop dead tired.
Dear gawd, the crying will not stop. I
tear up at just about anything, including and not limited to: sappy commercials,
our home's lack of candy, getting a parking ticket, getting up to go to the
bathroom for the fifth time in a night and more. This is so not like me. I can't
wait for these hormones of mine to get back to normal.
I'm sure I could tack another five or so items onto this
list, but I'll stop. I have to keep my head in the game. At this point, I'm
welcoming labor. Bring it on. If the gift on the other side of this journey is
a precious newborn, then I'll take it tenfold.
Moms, how did you get through your last trimester?