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The 3rd Trimester Can Kiss My ...

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I'm sitting here patiently waiting for Mother Nature to put me out of my misery. At 38 weeks, I've had all I can take. My stomach is already stretched to the max, and I feel as if this baby is practicing to be a jujitsu champion. Whatever the case may be, this third trimester has been anything but fun. Forget being that glowing beautiful whatever-it-is that people always talk about. I more resemble the lady from The Grudge right about now.

Here are my top 10 reasons for hating these last three months of pregnancy. Are you with me?

1. Snoring

I'm snoring so loud that I actually wake myself up. I detest snoring. My husband snores logs, so at least we have that in common right now.

RELATED: All The Things That Made Me Cry This Pregnancy

2. Hemorrhoids

I cannot tell you how painful these little guys are. I didn't have them until after labor with my first son. This time around they reared their ugly little heads in full force at eight months. God bless Preparation H.

3. Sex

It's a comedy of errors, ladies—like the worst game of Twister you've ever played. It's hard to be sexy when you can't even see what you're doing down there. I've never been so excited to have regular missionary style sex again in my entire life. Enough of these weird prenatal positions.

4. Braxton Hicks

If I could go back in time and meet Mr./Dr. Braxton Hicks, I'd punch him in his balls, because that would be the equivalent of what I've been feeling for the past three months or so. I get it. My body gets it. We're preparing for labor. Cut it out!

5. Heartburn

It is cruel and unusual punishment that pregnant women can't take Alka-Seltzer or sodium bicarbonate or whatever. It's the only thing that calms my stomach. Right now I'm carrying Tums around in a Pez dispenser, popping them at every stoplight in the car. For the record, I'm patenting that idea right now.

At this point, I'm welcoming labor.

6. People Who Ask When the Baby Is Due

Seriously, if one more person asks me this question, I’m going to answer with a, "What baby? I'm not pregnant!" Clearly I'm huge, but they don't need to rub it in by asking if I'm due tomorrow or in a few days.

7. People Who Ask if I’m Going to "Try for That Girl"

I have one son, and am expecting my second son. I'm happy to have two children to call my own. As long as they are healthy, that's all that matters.

8. Elephantiasis of the Feet

I'm down to one pair of flip-flops that I can actually wear without pain. My feet are cartoonish, almost as if someone blew them up with air. I'd be really good at driving Fred Flintstone's car right about now.

9. Pregnancy-Induced Narcolepsy

I fall asleep everywhere and anywhere that I am. No joke. In movie theaters, mid-conversation with my husband, while on the phone. I'm just drop dead tired.

RELATED: 39 Weeks Pregnant & My Dignity Is Gone

10. Crying

Dear gawd, the crying will not stop. I tear up at just about anything, including and not limited to: sappy commercials, our home's lack of candy, getting a parking ticket, getting up to go to the bathroom for the fifth time in a night and more. This is so not like me. I can't wait for these hormones of mine to get back to normal.

I'm sure I could tack another five or so items onto this list, but I'll stop. I have to keep my head in the game. At this point, I'm welcoming labor. Bring it on. If the gift on the other side of this journey is a precious newborn, then I'll take it tenfold.

Moms, how did you get through your last trimester?

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