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A Child's Birthday Party Questionnaire for Introverted Moms

Photograph by Alex Coward

Are you an introverted mom who finds that your child’s social schedule requires you to attend 5 to 50 children’s birthday parties a year? Do you wish these parties were somehow less painful? We’re here to help. Please fill out the attached pre-party screening questionnaire so that we can improve your next party-going experience.

Party Environment

Location preference:

  1. Seat me alone in a room, behind a two-way mirror that looks out on the party.
  2. Seat me with other parents based on shared interests (complete the attached interest questionnaire).
  3. I will just stand in a corner in the back and pretend to read a book.

Music that will help me survive the party:

  1. Something calming, like Bon Iver.
  2. Something to match my party-attending mood, like Rage Against the Machine.
  3. Just play the damn Raffi; I’ve grown numb to it anyway.

Places I may be hiding during the party:

  1. The bathroom.
  2. My car.
  3. Outside, pretending I’m on an important call.
  4. Please give me a list of possible locations upon arrival.

Socializing and Entertainment

Conversations that I would like to avoid:

  1. Possible colleges for our 4-year-olds.
  2. The weather.
  3. Where I got the pajamas I’m wearing.
  4. I’ve taken the liberty of writing my own topics. Please see attached, pages 1 through 5.

Games I can tolerate are:

  1. Watching the extroverted parents play charades together.
  2. Bets on which child will have the first meltdown.
  3. Reverse piñata—everyone is blindfolded except for the child whose turn it is to whack the piñata.
  4. A piñata just for parents who feel the need to hit something.

My food preferences are:

  1. Large quantities of small snack items that I can stress-eat.
  2. Lobster and prime rib or something else unaffordable.
  3. Coffee.
  4. Whatever you think pairs well with whiskey in a flask.

Additional Considerations

Word that best describes my mood at parties:

  1. Resigned
  2. Exhausted
  3. Panicked
  4. Medicated

Things that will make me immediately leave the party (circle all that apply):

  1. Dancing
  2. Tommy’s dad
  3. Karaoke
  4. Asking all the parents in the room to go around and describe their most triumphant parenting moment.

Thank you! Please drop your completed questionnaire off in your child’s school cubby, or email it to us. We can’t answer questions about it in person or over the phone. We trust you understand.

This post originally appeared on Razed.