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Moms of 2 Under 2, I Literally Don't Know How You Do It

Photograph by Twenty20

I didn’t plan to have my kids four years apart, but it’s turned out to be a blessing. Most days, the toddler takes a long mid-day nap while my 6-year-old is still in school, meaning I get a couple of hours all to myself. I can work, shower, clean and eat lunch while sitting down on my actual behind. Let me tell you, it’s heaven.

Or at least it was, until the first day of summer vacation.

I'd been so looking forward to my usual break at nap time, except the second I put my little one down, the big one grabbed me excitedly. “What are we doing next, Mommy? Have you set up a craft? Can we bake? I know, let’s paint!”

But what about that shower I’d been fantasizing about all morning?

“OK, honey, you start without me, I’ll be there soon!” are words I never should have uttered to an over-eager 6-year-old. Minutes later, I found her covered in tempera paint (every color in the box), her rainbow fingerprints smeared across the bathroom sink, walls and towels from when she “got a little on my hands” but “don’t worry, I cleaned up.”

After several similar mom fails, it became clear to me that when both my little monsters are at home and my husband is at work, there ain’t no such thing as a coffee break. I also realized that my kids’ 4-year age gap has totally spoiled me. Not counting the newborn days, I have always had a built-in break in my SAHM schedule. And even this summer, I only had to struggle for about a week until the 6-year-old’s day camp started. But what if my kids had been born closer together? I would have waited YEARS for a sweet taste of me-time.

I would have been a disaster.

Which brings me back to my original point: moms of two under 2, I literally don’t know how you do it. How do you stay sane if you never get a second to yourself?

Seriously, what is your secret?

Do you use Voodoo to hypnotize your kids into taking naps at the same time?

Instead of drinking coffee, do you snort the grounds so the caffeine enters your bloodstream faster?

Are you big into dry shampoo?

Do you watch a shitload of "Paw Patrol"?

Do you occasionally use the dog as a babysitter?

Do you ever just stand on the lawn and scream?

Seriously, what is your secret?

Because I think you deserve a Nobel Patience Prize (should be a thing) for that non-stop momming you do all day, every day. Not to even mention the whole two in diapers, two in cribs, two in high chairs, two waking up teething thing. I would fully lose my shit.

So here’s to you, moms of two under 2, who never get to sit down, but dream of a day when your close-in-age babies will be total BFF's and start entertaining each other—at least long enough for you to drink your coffee the normal way.

With love and admiration from a mom who just realized she's a slacker.

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