Daniel Tiger is a beloved children's television character.
He got his start on "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" and then got his
own spin off show, where he doesn't wear pants.
On the show, the characters sing
songs to help Daniel and his preschool-aged animal friends learn important
lessons about sharing and counting to 10 when you are frustrated. Those lessons
are fine, I guess, but if your preschool-aged child is watching "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood,"
you and I both know that there are way more pressing lessons that your kid
needs to learn. Yes, even before a lesson on sharing.
There are a host
of books and TV shows that address sharing and how not to kick your mom in a
fit of rage, but where are the songs that tell kids to just calm the hell down?
Where? Here are some songs I'd love for Daniel Tiger to tackle, if he could.
This happy little ditty will encourage children to just
leave the moms alone for the five minutes she needs to just poop. There should
also be a line in there about not burning the house down while mom is pooping,
just in case.
2. "Big Kids Don't Lick Strangers in the Grocery Store"
Seriously, they don't. So stop it. You are embarrassing your
mom and probably contracting strep.
3. "Your Whining Is Making My Ears Bleed"
This song should be sung by Daniel Tiger's mom, while she
holds a glass of wine and grits her teeth.
4. "Don't Poop in Your Undies"
Or else mom is going to snap and it won't be pretty.
5. "Sometimes Mommy Just Needs to Eat a Meal Without Anyone Whining"
This is sung while Mr. and Mrs. Tiger leave Daniel and his
sister home with a babysitter. During the meal they reprise the song to wonder
if they should ever go back home.
6. "But You Loved Noodles Last Night, You Monster"
A frustrated Mrs. Tiger sings this to Daniel when he refuses
to eat his dinner of mac and cheese after eating two helpings the night before.
7. "Don't Cry Out Loud"
This can just be a straight rip off of the Melissa
Manchester song, "I Don't Care What People Say." The message still works.
8. "Why Won't You Sleep Past 5 a.m."
Mr. and Mrs. Tiger join together for a sleepy duet,
demanding that Daniel stop trying to kill them with his refusal to sleep to a
decent morning hour.
9. "Mom Is Not a Jungle Gym"
She isn't. So stop climbing on her. That actually hurts. OW!
You can call the mailman poopy. You can call Aunt Susan
poopy. But we actually need grandma's help, so stop calling her poopy, OK? I
also imagine that all the parents in the show join in and do a kick line just
to emphasize that grandma is to be respected.