We’re only a few weeks into the new school year, but there
are certain things that get old fast: making school lunches every freaking day,
the endless emails and phone call updates from the principal, the PTA, the
teachers and—worst of all—the ceaseless waiting in the school pickup line.
If you’re new to
the school experience, trust me. If you haven’t already, you’ll have done all
of these in the pickup line before winter break.
1. Play “Identify the mystery object” when you drop your cell
phone under the seat.
Is it a melted crayon, is it a withered fruit snack, is
it—gasp!—dog poop from the bottom of someone’s shoe?! Every day brings a new
mystery in the school pick up line.
2. Post 27 updates on Facebook.
Most of these will be memes
about parenting, but you’ll look for the silver lining and post the
inspirational ones, too. Patience is a virtue. Post enough memes about it and
you might actually believe the school pick up line is teaching you something
3. Spill coffee on yourself.
The interminable wait in the
school pick up line means you will stop at Starbucks (or Panera) and get
yourself a coffee. And maybe a muffin. You deserve it! And while you are
juggling your coffee, your muffin and your cell phone, you will spill your
coffee. Stock up on baby wipes.
You will never look more beautiful
than you do sitting in the school pick up line with the sunlight streaming through
the windshield, making your skin glow and your hair appear glossy and newly highlighted.
You are radiant! Take that selfie! (Hints: unfasten your seatbelt and crop the
picture in tight so no one knows you took it while sitting in your car.)
5. Pretend you don’t see the PTA president waving from the car
Adjust your mirrors, pretend you’re on the phone and resist the
urge to wave back. If you wave back, congratulations, you are the future
president of the PTA, following your stints on 19 committees and tours of duty
as the treasurer and vice president.
This isn’t such a bad
thing—always having a book with you in the school pick up line means you’ll
actually read a few books this year, even if it’s in five- to 10-page increments.
(Hint: You’ll read a lot more pages if you ignore Facebook.)
7. Clean out your purse.
You will do this at least twice a
school year, if not more. Guaranteed.
8. Make uninterrupted phone calls.
The school pick up line is just about the
only time I can make an uninterrupted phone call. It feels almost decadent to
be able to talk to the receptionist at the doctor’s office without being
interrupted five times to pour juice or turn on "RescueBots."
9. Strategically plot your arrival.
You don’t want to be the
first car in the pickup line—at least not too often. It just looks sad. But you
don’t want to arrive so late that you’re at the end of the line, either. You
will find the sweet spot of arrival time within the first month of school and
you will cling to it like a sacred ritual.
The school pickup line is great for checking out
the pros and cons of other automobiles. You’ll know exactly what you want when
it’s time to trade in your Momobile next year because you’ll have had months to
study your choices.
11. Discover a new appreciation for your own kids.
nothing like watching other people’s children leave school after a long day to
make you love and appreciate your own kids a little bit more.