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There’s a certain protocol that guides the holiday
season. There are traditions of
preparation in which everyone who celebrates the holidays participates. Everyone hits Black Friday the day after
Thanksgiving. The trees and lights go up
on that day or shortly thereafter. And if you are going to celebrate the
holidays you make an unspoken agreement to 'effing play ball. And, I want to play that ball.
Christmas is the one time of year where all
the muss and fuss pays off in a big way on the big day of the 25th
of December. I eat it all up. But, sadly, this holiday season isn’t going
exactly as planned. Due to events
preceding this season, I’ve been all out of sorts, with my head nowhere near
the game. I’ve dropped the ball, slacked
big-time. To the strict,
Christmas-schedule keepers, it would be fair to say that I’ve already ruined Christmas.
1. Our Christmas cards have now become Happy New
Tradition and etiquette say that you’re to have your cards signed,
sealed, delivered to all your relatives, friends, co-workers and that group of
people with whom your only contact is through your annual Christmas card, by
the second week of December. Though
I strive to keep to that timeline, and though I’m Asian, this year it is just
not happening. I only ordered those
puppies this morning. And now my Happy
Holiday card has become a Happy New Year card. And a Happy New Year card clearly says, “I didn’t get my shit together
in time. Maybe you won’t notice???” But they always notice. And then I think about those eager little
shits who send their cards a week before Thanksgiving. And I get real mad.
2. We got the driest tree on the lot
When you are at the Christmas tree lot, everything looks
amazing. You are glowing and pumped up
with that Christmas juice. It can be ass
cold outside, cold enough to see your breath, but the smell of that evergreen
along with the smiley lumberjack-looking guys and hot chocolate stand make that
cold-air breath look like a dancing sugar plum fairy. And it will dance your wallet and $140 to the
cash register as you pay way too much for a dying tree. But for now, you are all smiles. But then you will get that stupid needly
cluster of a tree home and see it in normal, non-lumberjack lighting and you’ll
realize you just bought the driest 'effing tree on the lot. While decorating that tree, every time one of
us would hang an ornament, we’d end up with a handful of needles. The needles were coming out in clumps. Like a tree with alopecia. Our Christmas tree has alopecia!!!
Who puts their husband and self on a gluten-free diet when baked goods and cravings are running the holiday show around us?
3. We didn’t get our family holiday photo
You know the one, where we all have coordinating red black
and white outfits, possibly even plaid, and where some of us are wearing obnoxious
wide wale cords. And we’re sitting
in front of the tree in the most unnatural position possible. With our legs tucked behind us like
seals. And, if we had a dog, it would be
wearing a hat. Aww, screw it. It’s OK that those did not happen.
4. I’m having to pay out the nose to order
everything with rush delivery
It’s called slacking on the holiday shopping and then not
wanting to brave the crowds at the stores when it's holiday rush time. I don’t want to navigate the crowds and the
disheveled racks and tables at the mall. I don’t want to then spend 20 minutes squeezing and bumping my way
through throngs of people in the food court to get a 3-item meal at Panda
Express. NO! So, I shop online. But I’m so late that the benefit of shopping
online is not winning. This rush
delivery thing gets pricey. I’ll see you
tomorrow, Panda Express.
5. We all got really sick
We have all been sick in our house for the past two weeks. I am sort of stating that just to
present a solid excuse for screwing all these Christmas things up. We’ve been sniffling, sneezing, wheezing, and
phlegming instead of mulling, trimming and decorating. We have not been making gingerbread
6. I put us on a gluten-free diet for the next two
Who does that? Who
puts their husband and self on a gluten-free diet when baked goods and cravings
are running the holiday show around us? I want so badly to sink my teeth into one of those gluten-y sugar cookies
or have a bite of peppermint trifle. What
sucks about it, is that due to my pride, I cannot back down. I can’t be the one who cracks. So here I am punishing myself for who knows
what, by not allowing myself the pleasure that a raspberry thumbprint brings. It’s just going to lead to a massive binge. And then remorse and anger.
Yeah, I’ve slipped up in the holiday prep this year, but oh
well. Despite my late holiday cards, my
shopping fumbles and our balding tree, we are still smiling about Christmas. And though we won’t have the Christmas 2013
sweater picture, we’ll have family and love and that euphoric Christmas
spirit. And glorious trays of gluten . . . someday.