I wrote a story several months ago about never
wanting a cell phone. Then very recently I got a cell and immediately realized
that I shouldn't own a cell phone — I don't understand how it works. Well, I know now
that I shouldn't even use a cell phone (mine or anyone's).
My husband took our daughters (Claire, 16; Camille, 14; and
Mimi and Tess, 9-year-old twins) to visit his grandparents in Atlanta, which gave me
the weekend free to get work done back at home. They drove and arrived there Friday
night. When I texted my husband Saturday morning...
Me: What time did
you get in? What time did the twins get to sleep?
Me: Oh, that
sucks. They really need to be asleep by 8:30, hon.
Me: Please just
make sure that they are in bed by 8 tonight, OK? Also, I'm sorry I was a bitch
to you when you left.
Him: We have a
big bed here. I miss you sooooo much. [out of character for my normally serious
husband, I was pleasantly surprised by this emotive texting]
Him: The bed very
Me: Really? Hmmm.
Tell me more.
Him: Oh and I
fell asleep in the car on the way down here
Me: WHAT? Are you
Him: No. I
couldn't help it.
Me: Jesus! And
everyone is okay?
Him: Sure. And I
miss you soooo much.
Me: Me… too. I'm
Him: Don't get
mad, but I had gum for breakfast. I love you my mommy.
Me: Who is this?
Him: It's Tess,
Yes that's right, not only did I drop an F-bomb, but I was
about two texts away from talking dirty to my 9 year old daughter. It gets worse. An hour later I had the better sense to call my husband on
his phone, rather then text him. Here's how that conversation went.
Me: Hi. How are
Him: Good. Pa and
are I just on our way back from Dunkin' Donuts. We got a treat for the kids
for breakfast. (Guess he didn't hear about the gum buffet.)
Me: They'll love
that. Did Tess tell you what happened earlier?
Him: She just
said that you thought she was me this morning. Why?
Me: Because I
used some not-family-friendly words and almost got into it with her.
Me: I was
apologizing to her, thinking it was you, about being crabby before you left and
she told me that she missed me so
much and that her bed was big and bouncy and I thought it was you and I think
we almost had phone sex—
Him: Hi Jen! … It's
Me: God Dammit!
Me: … Am I on
Him: (Or rather,
his grandfather) Don't worry, Jen. I'm 91, I'm not dead. I understand you miss