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I’m not saying I had a fight with my husband over the stress of school starting and busy schedules kicking back in and me not reading signs properly and then having my car towed this week. I’m also not not saying this. I’m also not saying I had an impulse to snoop around and see what my exes are up to or that I did all of the ideas on this list. (For instance, I don’t have any new shoes.)
But if you asked my husband, I’m sure he’d tell you there was some silent popcorn eating that went on in our office, with just enough light from the computer screen to allow my hand to move gracefully from the bowl to my face without missing my mouth. So maybe I didn’t do them all at once, but even one or two are entertaining enough to get you to forget about past loves or even present irritations.
1. Search for shoes instead. This will give you time to calm down and
also maybe land yourself a pair of gently used Jimmy Choos for $30.
2. Hide out in bed binge watching “Orange is the New Black” on your
laptop. Wonder if you went to jail,
would you be a lesbian? Would you cuddle
with Crazy Eyes?
3. Sneak in to the kitchen to make kettlecorn. If
your husband hears the popping sound and comes in, avoid eye contact and don’t
feel obligated to share.
4. Watch the show “Married,” and be glad that even if you’re white,
you’re not that white. Take a moment to appreciate Paul Reiser’s
attitude of quiet resignation even with a wife who looks like his daughter.
5. Troll the web for your favorite bra to see if you can find it for
less than $80. If you do, buy three. Hopefully, you resolve the fight and
don’t have to start dating, but regardless there’s no reason to let gravity win
6. Call a girlfriend who is going through a
terrible divorce and tell her if she needs an ear you are happy to listen. Take
7. Make the decision to apologize to your
husband even if you weren’t wrong. Also apologize for anything your mother has
ever said, done or broken when she’s in your house.
8. Write a letter to Mark
Zuckerberg, thanking him for creating something that allows you to connect with
the 9th grade cheerleading squad and seek out boyfriends who broke up with you
freshman year because maybe you gained some weight from the-all-you-can-eat
cereal bar. Then ask him if he ever goes on Facebook to see how his ex-girlfriends are
doing. Then Google “Mark Zuckerberg, ex-girlfriends” to see if they even
exist. By the time you are done with this, it will be time to make more popcorn. And maybe you’ll pass your husband in the hallway and you both won’t be so mad