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An Ode to the Disgusting Target Bathrooms

Photograph by Twenty20

I'm not afraid to admit that going to Target counts as "me time." I get my list ready, which is really just me telling myself to grab paper towels, a candle and try to get the hell out of there before anything else ends up in my hot little hands, but we all know how that goes.

It's as if the aisles lure you in and a half hour later you find yourself knee-deep in the pillow section, clutching a bottle of wine and decide you need a latte this second to make your lavish trip official—and off you go to that convenient in-store Starbucks.

And as soon as the latte runs through your veins, making you feel alive again, and you decide to toss in a deer lamp and a some more coffee mugs in your cart, the urge hits. Badly. And you need to head to the whiz palace ASAP. Because we all know if you've had kids, you can either ignore the urge and cross your legs so tight you could break open a pickle jar between your thighs, or just go already and enjoy the rest of your visit. I usually choose the latter.

But I have to say, as much as I'm obsessed with Target for all they offer with their hefty donations to charity, wide aisles and clean, bright stores, their bathrooms do not measure up.

I have no clue what's happening in their shit houses, I just know as soon as I walk in, they either smell like poop, or like citrus room spray laced with poop. I've been in many Targets and have only seen a few that had bathrooms clean enough to not scare me out of needing to hose the porcelain, or chop a log, because let's face it, sometimes the Dollar Spot is ultra exciting and makes you have to pinch one off before you can concentrate and finish your shopping trip.

For the amount of money we all spend in there, those toilet seats should be lined with gold and there should be scented candles, soft music and warm towels offered at the door.

The toilet seats always are a mess, there are paper towels strewn about and it looks like a dozen high school football players came in and had their way with the damn place just moments ago. It feels like I'm entering a completely different world.

And can we please talk about why the cracks in the doors are so damn wide? I mean, I feel so exposed.

Why even bother having a door if everyone can see me doing my business anyway? The worst part is, after I've relieved myself, the nasty bathroom is such a buzzkill that it's hard for me to get my Target vibe back on again. It's almost like being so close to an orgasm then having your child knock and you just can't get the feeling back.

Please, Target, I know you're busy making people happy and delivering the goods on the daily, you certainly have enough people to guide me through the checkout line, so for the love of all things holy, can we get someone to clean the damn bathrooms?!

For the amount of money we all spend in there, those toilet seats should be lined with gold and there should be scented candles, soft music and warm towels offered at the door.

I'm not asking for much, just a clean place in which to relieve myself and not have to shut my eyes and breathe out of my mouth.

At the end of the day, we weary moms just want a clean place pee after spending a shit-ton of money.

Can I get an amen?

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