When I first birthed my daughter, I held her in my arms and
immediately began to dream of what she would be for Halloween. That year, she
was a robot — and a ghost. She had two costumes. That’s right, two. The next
year, I was barely able to shove her into an R2-D2 costume without bribing her
with a lot of candy. On our third Halloween, it was all game over. She had
absolutely no tolerance for my coordinating Alice and the Queen of Hearts
costumes. If it wasn’t Rapunzel, she wasn’t interested. And 2-year-olds don’t
understand the concept of gauche. Trust me, I tried to explain it to her.
(My daughter) doesn’t seem to care that Halloween is about fulfilling my wishes and fantasies.
This year, I planned a fabulous costume as Daenerys
Targaryen with my two children as my dragons. The baby is game because he
doesn’t speak English yet. But my daughter is 3 and I’ve failed as a
parent, because she has a mind and opinions of her own. She doesn’t seem to care that Halloween is
about fulfilling my wishes and fantasies. She sneers when I explain that mommy
had to dress up as Bible characters as a girl, so mommy is living out her
frustrated Halloween desires through her children.
And I’ve tried to tell her, “How can mommy go viral on
Pinterest if you just want to dress up as a bride? How?” But kids don’t care.
Being a modern mom is hard.
Here is an exhaustive list of the totally not ironic or
clever costumes that my daughter has demanded. Please note, my back up option
of a family costume as Duck Dynasty is not among them. How selfish.
1. A princess.
2. A princess with a crown and magic.
3. Cinderella with a broom.
4. A witch with a broom.
5. A stick.
6. A stick with a tutu.
7. A poopy bum bum. IS DAT SILLY?
8. Elsa with a poopy bum.
9. A mommy with a baby in her belly.
10. A mommy pooping a baby out of her belly.
12. A unicorn pooping.
13. A witch.
14. A mean witch who doesn’t like her mommy and sometimes hexes
her into a pumpkin.
15. A mean witch who pushes her brother.
16. A mean witch, who is sorry and wants to get out of time out.
17. Another stick.
18. A monster.
19. But a nice monster, who eats marshmallows.
20. A nice witch.
21. A superhero.
22. A superhero who fights mean mommies who won’t let monsters
23. A stick with magic.
24. A little girl who eats all da candy.
25. A very nice princess who has no brothers and whose mommy and
daddy died in a boat, like Elsa’s.