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An Exhaustive List of My Daughter's Halloween Costumes

When I first birthed my daughter, I held her in my arms and immediately began to dream of what she would be for Halloween. That year, she was a robot — and a ghost. She had two costumes. That’s right, two. The next year, I was barely able to shove her into an R2-D2 costume without bribing her with a lot of candy. On our third Halloween, it was all game over. She had absolutely no tolerance for my coordinating Alice and the Queen of Hearts costumes. If it wasn’t Rapunzel, she wasn’t interested. And 2-year-olds don’t understand the concept of gauche. Trust me, I tried to explain it to her.

RELATED: The Worst Halloween Costumes for Teen Girls

(My daughter) doesn’t seem to care that Halloween is about fulfilling my wishes and fantasies.

This year, I planned a fabulous costume as Daenerys Targaryen with my two children as my dragons. The baby is game because he doesn’t speak English yet. But my daughter is 3 and I’ve failed as a parent, because she has a mind and opinions of her own. She doesn’t seem to care that Halloween is about fulfilling my wishes and fantasies. She sneers when I explain that mommy had to dress up as Bible characters as a girl, so mommy is living out her frustrated Halloween desires through her children.

And I’ve tried to tell her, “How can mommy go viral on Pinterest if you just want to dress up as a bride? How?” But kids don’t care. Being a modern mom is hard.

Here is an exhaustive list of the totally not ironic or clever costumes that my daughter has demanded. Please note, my back up option of a family costume as Duck Dynasty is not among them. How selfish.

1. A princess.

2. A princess with a crown and magic.

3. Cinderella with a broom.

4. A witch with a broom.

5. A stick.

6. A stick with a tutu.

7. A poopy bum bum. IS DAT SILLY?

8. Elsa with a poopy bum.

9. A mommy with a baby in her belly.

10. A mommy pooping a baby out of her belly.

11. Unicorn.

12. A unicorn pooping.

13. A witch.

14. A mean witch who doesn’t like her mommy and sometimes hexes her into a pumpkin.

15. A mean witch who pushes her brother.

16. A mean witch, who is sorry and wants to get out of time out.

17. Another stick.

18. A monster.

19. But a nice monster, who eats marshmallows.

20. A nice witch.

21. A superhero.

22. A superhero who fights mean mommies who won’t let monsters eat marshmallows.

23. A stick with magic.

24. A little girl who eats all da candy.

25. A very nice princess who has no brothers and whose mommy and daddy died in a boat, like Elsa’s.

26. A really, really fancy stick.

Does anyone know where I can get a stick costume?

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