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8 Things Every Mom Thinks After Halloween

Photograph by Getty Images

Finally, the trick-or-treating is over, the candy has been safely sorted, the kids are engaging in top-level importance trading (a Ring Pop for a king-sized candy bar? Don’t do it, Johnny!) and you are settled in with a cup of coffee and an iron will to resist the candy temptations around you.

In the sugar-fueled days that follow Halloween, we are right alongside you with these thoughts that will cross every mom’s mind…

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1. I am so not going to be that mom who freaks out about candy.

I mean, really, can we all stop panicking about one day of sugar? We all survived childhood with fond memories of Halloween, didn’t we? It’s OK to have a treat day once a year—let them eat candy!

Two seconds later….

2. OMG whose freakin’ idea was Halloween anyways?!

The kids have turned into holy terrors and if I step on one more Skittle, someone is really going to be a dead man walking … I need to ban sugar from this house forever. Sugar is the devil.

3. I wonder how many more times I can get the kids to re-use these Halloween costumes?

Let’s see, if they dress up as Anna and Elsa approximately 18,000 more times before next year, maybe I’ll get my money’s worth out of those outfits! And the baby won’t mind being a pumpkin again next year, right?

4. Was that a pinhole in that Snickers bar??

Oops, 2-year-old already ate it—man, I hope it was safe. Do sickos out there really put poison in kids’ candy anyways or did my mom just tell me that to steal my candy? GASP—was my entire childhood a lie?!

5. I don’t even really like candy.

So can someone tell me why I can’t stop my hand from reaching into the kids’ candy bowl every five seconds?

6. Does anyone actually make those disgusting Pinterest desserts?

You know, the ones based off of “10 Ways to Re-Use That Halloween Candy?” I’ve got a better idea—let’s dump all the candy in the blender, drizzle it with syrup, then drink it. It’s probably the same caloric equivalent and way less work.

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7. Those people that decorate for Christmas the day after Halloween are so lame.

Can we at least get through Thanksgiving, people? *shakes head in dismay*

Two seconds later …

8. Ooo, look at all these Christmas displays! I guess it wouldn’t hurt to just start thinking about Christmas lists, right?

Busted.

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