The holidays are a stressful time. Just kidding. They are
easy and you are weak. Try harder. Here are 10 tips to help you suck it up and
make everything special or you can die trying. Those are your only options.
Look, as long as you get good pictures, who cares how you actually feel about
the holidays? So smile! Make at least one Instagram-worthy cookie. Guilt your
children into smiling around the Christmas tree for a picture. Then, Photoshop
the hell out of it and convince people that is how you spent Christmas, instead
of boozing up your coffee and listening to your mother suggest that you prefer
your husband’s family, because you were there for four days over Thanksgiving.
Kind of like the above tip, but with medical assistance.
When things get stressful, take a deep breath and imagine the Elf of the Shelf.
Now, imagine him drowning in a sea of gravy and you just stand on the shore,
eating a cookie, not helping him. Feel better? I thought so.
4. Take It
All Out on Your Spouse
Every time the kids whine about not getting an iPad
or your relatives get passive aggressive, just bottle up your rage and then take
it all out on your husband. When he decides he doesn’t want to pose with lights
across his bare chest for your annual Christmas photo, just start screaming and
sobbing about him making the baby Jesus sad. You’ll feel better and get that
photo. Win and win.
Christmas is a complete failure unless you have tinsel in every freaking corner of your house!
Look, I know you think you are near your breaking point, but that’s
because you aren’t trying hard enough. See those cookies on Pinterest? Those
look better than yours. Sure, you are making a pie, but you could be making a
pie and cake, layered together! That’s right. You didn’t think of that because
you are a slacker. Get back to work. Christmas is a complete failure unless you
have tinsel in every freaking corner of your house!
Sure, it’s nice that your neighbor wants to watch your kids while
you do some last-minute shopping, but why let her when you can do it all at
midnight? If you let her help, then she will know you are a failure and might
suspect that your cookies were store-bought. (They were, I know they were. Stop
lying to me.) Suck it up. You can sleep when you are dead on January 1.
It’s time to accept that if you don’t work really hard during
the holidays, your kids will not experience the magic of the season and will
probably knock over a liquor store in February. The judge will surely sentence
them to life in prison, but not before lamenting that if only their mother had
given them a truly magical holiday season, they would not feel compelled to
seek love by robbing for whiskey. Accept this is your fault. Accept your
8. Stick to
Sure, your family is tired and would rather spend a cozy night
in, watching movies. But you planned on family caroling, so you better make
everyone carol. Don’t be flexible. Don’t adapt. Don’t change. This isn’t some
made-up holiday like Memorial Day, this is Christmas! Kids have the flu? Who
cares! Go to the tree farm and cut down that perfect tree. Husband in the
hospital? Suck it up buddy, it’s time for everyone to look at Christmas lights.
9. Be a Martyr
Look, no one will think of you at all while you run around
spreading holiday cheer. So, do your best to martyr yourself on that cross.
Sigh and cry. Say passive aggressive things like, “I work to hard making
holiday magic to experience it myself,” or “That’s OK, Santa doesn’t come for
mommies.” This, after all, is the reason for the season.
Jesus didn’t come to
earth as a baby for you to phone it in on Christmas. Simplicity? That’s for
atheists. Step up your game. The holidays aren’t truly special unless you
bankrupt yourself financially and morally to give your child every gift wrapped
in homemade burlap and tied with the organic tears of orphans. Did you make the
tape yourself? Nope. Try again.