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A Brutally Honest Christmas Letter

Photograph by Getty Images

Dear Friends and Family:

I hope you are all happy and healthy and maybe a little bit fatter. Mostly because seeing you grow in size helps me feel better about my own lagging sense of self-worth.

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John spent most of the year fishing, hunting, working and shirking all responsibilities at home. When he is home, we do our best to fight about him not being home and how he can’t even just do a basket of laundry now and then. John and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, because our children used up all of our money for Hawaii by ruining the majority of our major appliances back in July. Ten years of married bliss and John still can’t load a dishwasher!

Janie (7), our oldest, started dance this year. She tried out for the Nutcracker and earned a spot as a snowflake. Of course, everyone who tried out got a part and the two minutes she was on stage, she sobbed. We are so proud. Janie is also excelling in school. She studies hard and is the teacher’s pet. Our therapist says she does this to win our love and affection.

I got a job this year! And by job, I mean, I’m neck-deep in a pyramid scheme.

Justin (5) got kicked out of kindergarten for pelting the teachers with snacks. This is our third kindergarten this year! I tell everyone he’s just active and too smart for those Cro-Magnon learning environments, but I’m seriously worried he’s going to knock over a liquor store by the time he hits third grade. He excels at sports, but that’s mostly because John only pays attention to him when he does well on the field!

Jordan (2), our little oopsie, is insane. She spent this year systematically destroying our house. She peed down the air registers. Shot her brother’s Nerf guns at all of our pictures, knocking them off the wall and shattering the glass. This was the cause of our first emergency visit this year, when I stepped on the glass and got a 3-inch shard lodged in my foot. At least we met our deductible! Jordan also managed to shatter the toilets by dropping one of John's hand weights (that he never uses!) into the open toilet bowl. That, and dumping green paint into our washer and dryer and dishwasher, made an eventful year for little Jordan!

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Because Jordan drives me crazy, I got a job this year! And by job, I mean, I’m neck-deep in a pyramid scheme. I’m selling a line of really expensive hand lotions and body supplements. I’ve lost about $1,500 as an initial investment. But my mentor tells me I’ll make it all back plus some if I only invite you all to my parties every month via Facebook. This, plus parenting and John being gone all the time, has led me to experience the joys of anti-anxiety medicine. I’ve also decided to go gluten-free and I post constantly about my diet via social media. I don’t even know what gluten is, to be honest.

Thus ends another year we didn’t make any of our dreams come true. Happy 2015 to you and yours!


John, Julie, Janie, Justin and Jordan Schmidt

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