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#DyedPits? Umm, No Thanks

I was sitting on the couch with my sister the other night, when she turned to me and said, “Check this out!”

As she held her phone out to me, I saw a picture of a woman with jeweled eyebrows—apparently the latest trend, ala vajazzling. I looked at her and laughed, before finally saying, “Why are women so freaking weird?”

Because, seriously—who decided jeweled eyebrows should be a thing? Or a jeweled vaj-jay for that matter.

Women are freaking weird.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised when, a few nights later, she held her phone out to me again and said, “You are going to love this.” What I saw before me required a double take, and a fair amount of Googling thereafter.

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Dyed armpit hair. This is now a thing. Not just a thing, but a hashtag that has been trending even on Twitter, with #dyedpits and #ladypithair now all the rage. Women everywhere are apparently growing their pit hair out and dyeing it bright and dramatic colors. For fashion. Or Internet attention. Or… something else.

And I repeat, women are freaking weird.

I will be the first to admit, I don’t get it. Apparently this whole thing started as some sort of feminist movement. Time Magazine interviewed the woman being credited for starting it all, Roxie Hunt of Seattle, and she says, “By having hairy pits, I am exercising my right to make my own choices about my own body.”

OK...

Let’s be real—dyeing that hair has got to be more time-intensive than simply shaving, right?

I sort of get that. Maybe. I mean, women shaving their pits only started in the last century, and it is arguably something that is done for the enticement of men. So I kind of get how some empowered feminist might decide to be done with her razor in an attempt to show she shouldn’t have to change anything about her body to be deemed sexy. But why then go dye it bright colors in an attempt to stand out like a peacock. I mean, who is that for? And let’s be real—dyeing that hair has got to be more time-intensive than simply shaving, right? So is the point really about feminism? Or is it more about standing out and doing something weird in the name of becoming Internet famous?

If I’m missing something here, please, by all means, explain it to me.

For my part though, I’m a big fan of removing the body hair. Not because society tells me I have to, but because I just prefer my hairless pits. And I can back that up as being a true and legitimate statement, because I have been single for quite some time now. And I live in Alaska, where no one ever sees my pits. So when I shave every few days, it is clearly just for me.

Still, I kind of wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So after a few more giggles, my sister and I pulled out the sharpie and did me up fancy style—as is now all the rage. No, it’s not the same. Because I wasn’t going to dedicate the next month to growing out my armpit hair for this cause. But, you get the point.

These are my armpits, on neon.

It turns out, I like my pits hairless and flesh-toned, which is probably a good thing, because where does this end? Is the next step facial hair? Should I stop waxing my upper lip today, in anticipation of the hot pink peach fuzz I could have tomorrow?

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No thanks. This is one more weird trend I guess I’m just not hip enough to get on board with. My eyebrows don’t need jewels and my armpits don’t need to be bright and hairy.

But maybe that’s just me.

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