These Are the Things Every Exhausted Mom Is Really Thankful for This Year
byLayla LaurenceNov 09, 2017
Photograph by Twenty20
“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.” –
'Tis the season to give thanks, right? Sometimes, this time of year, I like to make a
list of all the things I’m grateful for just to remind myself how blessed I
am. There are the usual suspects on the list: family, friends, home and health. But then there are the little-but-not-so-little things that only an exhausted mom could be grateful for.
remember the first time I went through a Starbucks drive-thru. I drove with a
friend 35 minutes out of our way just to witness this magic. Fast-forward 15
years and I’m pretty much to the point where I pretty much refuse to go to any
restaurant, grocery store, pharmacy or coffee shop if they don’t have a drive-thru. Nothing is worth the punishment of
lugging multiple children into an establishment unless A) I have at least two
other adults with me as support, B) they have free booze or C) it is Target.
Friends Who Never
Gotta love the best mama friends who know never to call you but
communicate solely with exasperated texts, relatable pictures of their
destroyed living rooms and appropriate memes.
All of which I can respond to while doing the other million things on my
always made fun of people who got pregnant and then immediately traded in their
perfectly good car for a minivan. I
mean, is there a more unattractive vehicle? I think not! But then I became the hypocrite of
hypocrites. I now drive that ugly piece
of shit with pride and don’t care that it kills my “cool mom” vibe because:
A: I can walk from the front seat to the back end to
retrieve my daughter’s binkie without ever exiting my vehicle.
B: I can collapse all seven seats and put an air mattress
in there if I need to escape my family for the evening.
C: The doors open with the push of a freaking button,
to a combined effort of this channel and strategic amounts of Nick Jr. and
Sprout, my children have given me countless hours of piece and quiet. (Plus, how
else are they supposed to learn their colors, shapes, animals, numbers, letters
My Cordless Vacuum
How sad does one
have to be to request a Black & Decker cordless vacuum for her birthday? But
let me tell all of you haters out there who think that jewelry or a facial
would be a better gift: THIS MACHINE CLEANS UP EVERYTHING. I’m not just talking a few under-table crumbs
after dinner. I use that thing to clean
off my counters, my dining room table, my curtains, couches and often my
children when they’ve just finished a baked good.
Setting on My Dryer
I love throwing all the clothes that seem to endlessly multiply in the wash. For just a moment, everything
is tidy and right in the world. Even
transferring the clothes over to the dryer is relatively painless. The real issue comes when they are
dry. I mean, what to do now?
I like to play a little game with myself
called Pretend They’re Not Done. This
game is easy to play and involves this internal dialogue: “Self, you have all
those clothes sitting in the dryer to fold. They’ve been there long enough that they’re probably all wrinkled. You should probably just 'fluff' them to get
those wrinkles out.” Then I proceed to repeat this a dozen times—or until people have taken necessary clothes out of dryer to wear and the dryer is
wipes are like the one man band of momdom.
I buy these bad boys by the literal truckload for thousands of purposes
including, but not limited to: washing my hands after a diaper change,
de-boogering my children, wiping dog poop off my shoe, detailing my car, giving
myself a quick refresh when I forget deodorant, cleaning my baby’s binky,
swiffering my floors, dusting my TV, cleaning the gunk out of my computer
keyboard, de-germing my phone and removing my three-day-old makeup. Oh yeah—and
wiping my baby’s butt.
people really wash their hair with water anymore?
I’m grateful that, for
now at least, they think I’m wonderful most of the time.
kids legit think I give them special “morning candy” and love me for it!
Mid-day baths: saving every rainy-day mother since forever. Kids a little antsy from being inside and you
don’t feel like doing a puzzle or playing yet another riveting game of Candy
Land with them? Throw them in the bath
with some bubbles and you've suddenly transformed yourself into “mother
of the year.” Pour yourself a glass of
wine, grab a book and monitor from a safe splash-free distance.
are the poor mom’s facelift. I could have stayed up for 48 hours
straight, downed three bottles of wine and be wearing my workout clothes from three
days ago, but throw on those sunglasses for school drop-off and I’m suddenly a
On the nights I forgot to grocery shop or I have no energy to
make a healthy balanced dinner, I can break out the Bisquick and any fruit I can
find that isn’t moldy and call it breakfast for dinner and
everyone loves me!
My Kids Still
Believe In Santa
“He’s making a list and checking it twice” is my only
parenting strategy from October through the end of the year.
of all, how did I ever in my life wear low-rise jeans? Coming from the perspective of never actually
being thin, I’m baffled as to how I thought my
love-handled, muffin-topped self looked awesome in these pants. Thankfully, I have discovered the magic of the
mid-rise jean. Those bad boys hold all
the undesirables in and create a smooth and sleek shape that I am eternally
Mom who teaches her kids to
swing on their tummies so they don’t need to be pushed for all the live long
day, I salute you. You are my people and
I am thankful that you do not judge the fact that I take the 15 minutes at the
park to scroll my Instagram feed and text above mom friends. After all, this is 95 percent of why we came to the
park in the first place.
The Fact That My
Kids Still Don’t KNOW I Have No Idea What I’m Doing
When will they
discover that I’m making everything up as I go and constantly feel overwhelmed?
I don’t know. How long will they believe
me when I explain that the “rumble strips on the highway are for blind drivers”
or that Caillou’s bedtime is at 7 p.m. so we can’t watch him after that? I
don’t know. But I’m grateful that, for
now at least, they think I’m wonderful most of the time.