Everyone focuses on improving
themselves in the new year, but let's face it—wouldn't your life be improved
a lot more quickly and easily if certain other people in your life made
some changes instead?
So this year, rather than make a
bunch of promises about my own behavior that everyone knows I'm just going to
break and/or forget about by the second week of January, I'm going to make some
resolutions for other people. That way, when 2015 rolls around and none
of these people do what I tell them to do—and as a result absolutely nothing
about my life changes in any way—it isn't my fault! They're the same results I always get
from resolutions, but without the guilt!
If you'd like to win at New Year's
Resolutions too, I have some ideas to get you started. Here are a few people
who probably need to make a resolution on your behalf, and what they should
resolve to do:
1. Close-talking co-worker
Every single day she corners you in the break room and
subjects you to a lengthy discussion about meetings and deadlines—and as if that isn't bad enough, you have to avoid
inhaling anywhere near her horribly unfortunate-smelling breath. I call foul!
Improved oral hygiene. And maybe switching lunch
hours so you can eat in peace for once.
2. Your toddler
Mom's not so far off from some nonsensical screaming of her own.
A tantrum about shoes, a tantrum about uncomfortable
shirt tags, a tantrum because the cereal is too lumpy, a tantrum because it's
time to go to the store, a tantrum because it's time to leave the store—and
that's all by 9:30 a.m.! This much hostility can't be good for such a tiny person—plus, mom's not so far off from some nonsensical screaming of her own.
3. Your mother-in-law
My MIL is an absolute delight, and I'd say that even if
she didn't read everything I wrote (Hi, Mom!). But I know a lot of you
have a mother-in-law who still has a strangle-hold on your husband with her
apron strings or criticizes everything you do or feeds your kids six dozen
doughnuts right before bedtime. So ...
Resolution: Host Thanksgiving dinner and otherwise just wait for an invitation to babysit (no doughnuts, please).
4. The bank
If playing Monopoly has taught me one thing, it's that occasionally you're supposed to collect $200 because there's a "bank error in your
favor." Yet, in real life, it seems like whenever there's a bank error I
just end up paying more in ATM fees.
Resolution: Be more like a Community
5. Your doctor
Yes, we know we should exercise more and eat more leafy
greens. But hey, if we always took your advice, doctor, you'd be out of
business—ever think about THAT?
Resolution: Start prescribing chocolate
6. Your broke friend
Oh, suuuure she'll pay you back, but she just forgot her
wallet this one time... again. You love her, even though she owes you
approximately $2,374.62 in Starbucks lattes and lunch dates. BUT WHO'S
COUNTING? Certainly not her, that's who.
Resolution: Get a job.
7. Your TMI friend
Every time she calls, you're
guaranteed to hear a story that starts, "You'll never believe this sexy
dream I had last night!" or "You know what my psychic told me
yesterday?" or "Have you ever had a boil lanced? Well I did!"
Just ... no.