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New Year's Resolutions for OTHER People

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Everyone focuses on improving themselves in the new year, but let's face it—wouldn't your life be improved a lot more quickly and easily if certain other people in your life made some changes instead?

So this year, rather than make a bunch of promises about my own behavior that everyone knows I'm just going to break and/or forget about by the second week of January, I'm going to make some resolutions for other people. That way, when 2015 rolls around and none of these people do what I tell them to do—and as a result absolutely nothing about my life changes in any way—it isn't my fault! They're the same results I always get from resolutions, but without the guilt!


RELATED: 5 Family Holiday Traditions I Regret

If you'd like to win at New Year's Resolutions too, I have some ideas to get you started. Here are a few people who probably need to make a resolution on your behalf, and what they should resolve to do:

1. Close-talking co-worker

Every single day she corners you in the break room and subjects you to a lengthy discussion about meetings and deadlines—and as if that isn't bad enough, you have to avoid inhaling anywhere near her horribly unfortunate-smelling breath. I call foul!

Resolution: Improved oral hygiene. And maybe switching lunch hours so you can eat in peace for once.

2. Your toddler

Mom's not so far off from some nonsensical screaming of her own.

A tantrum about shoes, a tantrum about uncomfortable shirt tags, a tantrum because the cereal is too lumpy, a tantrum because it's time to go to the store, a tantrum because it's time to leave the store—and that's all by 9:30 a.m.! This much hostility can't be good for such a tiny person—plus, mom's not so far off from some nonsensical screaming of her own.

Resolution: Anger management

3. Your mother-in-law

My MIL is an absolute delight, and I'd say that even if she didn't read everything I wrote (Hi, Mom!). But I know a lot of you have a mother-in-law who still has a strangle-hold on your husband with her apron strings or criticizes everything you do or feeds your kids six dozen doughnuts right before bedtime. So ...

Resolution: Host Thanksgiving dinner and otherwise just wait for an invitation to babysit (no doughnuts, please).

4. The bank

If playing Monopoly has taught me one thing, it's that occasionally you're supposed to collect $200 because there's a "bank error in your favor." Yet, in real life, it seems like whenever there's a bank error I just end up paying more in ATM fees.

Resolution: Be more like a Community Chest card.

5. Your doctor

Yes, we know we should exercise more and eat more leafy greens. But hey, if we always took your advice, doctor, you'd be out of business—ever think about THAT?

Resolution: Start prescribing chocolate more often.

6. Your broke friend

Oh, suuuure she'll pay you back, but she just forgot her wallet this one time... again. You love her, even though she owes you approximately $2,374.62 in Starbucks lattes and lunch dates. BUT WHO'S COUNTING? Certainly not her, that's who.

Resolution: Get a job.

7. Your TMI friend

Every time she calls, you're guaranteed to hear a story that starts, "You'll never believe this sexy dream I had last night!" or "You know what my psychic told me yesterday?" or "Have you ever had a boil lanced? Well I did!" Just ... no.

Resolution: Install a verbal filter.

RELATED: 5 Family Holiday Traditions I Regret

8. Your spouse

You both entered this marriage for better or for worse, but how was he supposed to know you had crazy friends, smelly coworkers and a semi-problematic chocolate addiction?

Resolution: Love and cherish for at least one more year. Also, maybe do some laundry or something.

So, who needs to be assigned a New Year's Resolution in your life?

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