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If Santa Were a Toddler

Photograph by Getty Images

Ever wonder, just for kicks, how Christmas would go if Santa were not a grown, portly, magical man, but a temperamental, pudgy little toddler instead? Perhaps it’d go a little something like this.

Santa would struggle with his mother for 20 minutes while she tried to get his Santa suit on. And then he would demand she cut out all the tags and the furry cuffs off his sleeves.

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He wouldn’t have a beard, but would probably have a milk mustache, and definitely be rocking some serious North Pole bed-head.

He’d have a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed because it was full of goldfish crackers and chicken nuggets.

Productivity at Santa’s workshop would be significantly slower because every time Santa passed by a different station, at least one elf from that station would have to sit down and play with him for at least 15 minutes or until Santa got bored with that toy and decided to move on.

Productivity at the workshop would further be slowed due to Santa unwrapping 90 percent of the gifts that were stacked in the black of the sleigh, ready to be delivered.

His list would be a long strip of paper covered with scribbles and grubby little fingerprints. And he’d go through 700 markers to make said list because he’d continue to leave the lids off each time and dry up every marker.

There would be a whole group of elves assigned to the Santa Tantrum Control Unit, trained to divert attention, use bribery techniques and otherwise pacify Santa whenever he couldn’t have a toy that was being made for someone else—which was always.

The Kinder Chocolate Egg workshop would be a restricted area, and Santa would be strictly prohibited from entering it.

He’d throw at least one present in the toilet.

The elves would all have a glass of wine to decompress every night after they closed shop and said good night to Santa.

Santa’s workshop would be fitted with more than 3,700 child locks.

He may need a timeout right before he boards the sleigh because he threw a Mega Block at Donner.

Santa’s sleigh would have to be stocked with sticker books, Wonder Color travel kits, Pirate’s Booty and an iPad.

The reindeer would roll their eyes at each other while it took a minimum of 10 elves to wrangle Santa into his sleigh carseat.

He’d fall asleep in his sleigh carseat right before they touched down at their first house, and the reindeer would have to quietly wait for him to finish out his nap in the sleigh.

Instead of saying “HO! HO! HO!” he’d say, “I’m thirsty!”

He’d refuse to go down the chimney without his Pillow Pet Dreamlite.

He’d dump the gifts out of the bag, unwrap and play with one or two toys, and then get distracted by the snow globe sitting on the coffee table.

He’d eat all the cookies and milk, run around the house for 20 minutes and then destroy the tree on a gingerbread high.

He’d throw at least one present in the toilet.

The reindeer would have to lure Santa back up the chimney with rigorous shaking of the sleigh bells while also blaring any song from the “Frozen” soundtrack from the sleigh speakers.

Instead of laying his finger aside his nose to signal his ascent back up the chimney, he’d decide to stand in the fireplace and pick his nose first for the next several minutes.

At the third or fourth house, he’d take his pants off because he was too hot.

His reindeer would constantly have diarrhea as Santa always fed them fruit snacks and Cheerios.

By the fifth house, Santa would be struggling, and the reindeer would have to call it a night by bringing a very over-stimulated and over-tired Santa home early.

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He would freak out on the flight back, crying most of the way, and especially upon final descent.

Santa’s reindeer would throw off their reins immediately after landing and swear they’ll never do that again.

Everyone who didn’t get their gifts on Christmas morning would just have to understand that it was Santa’s bedtime, and he just needed to go home and have some quiet time and rest.

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