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15 Catastrophes That Are Sure to Happen to Me This Holiday Season

Photograph by Twenty20

I look forward to the holiday season every year. This season was always magical for me as a child and each year I'm determined to make it just as wonderful for my own children.

Like most moms, I have the best of intentions when it comes to decking the halls at Christmas time, yet no idea turns out the way it looks on Pinterest and I find myself making the same unfortunate, rookie mistakes every single year. This is why I can practically bank on the fact that these disasters will surely happen to me this holiday season:

1. I will eat my body weight in the fudge I intended to give to my children’s teachers.

2. My kid will ask Santa for the one item that is sold out all over the entire universe, so I will have to convince him to "update" Santa via letter since he already told him at the mall that he has changed his mind to a much "better" (i.e. accessible) choice.

3. I will have hopes of taking a magical family portrait at a tree farm to send out in my holiday cards but will end up snapping a last-minute photo on my phone of my kids standing by the green(ish) tree in the Walgreens parking lot that one time we had frozen rain, and have 500 cards printed in one hour only to distribute approximately 20 of them.

4. I will spend $67 to make gingerbread houses that no one will eat and leave my house looking like a crime scene when we could have bought one for $11.99 at Winco.

5. I sign us up to buy a gift for a less fortunate child through a wonderful charity and bring my children to the store to have them help choose the present to teach them that the “gift of giving” is really what Christmas is about. After 30 minutes of begging in the toy aisles at Target and patiently reminding them that this gift is NOT for them, I will drag my children out of the store while threatening to throw away all of their existing toys and return all their future presents.

6. I will bribe my husband with treats and favors as well as tears and guilt trips to have him agree to wear matching holiday pajamas on Christmas morning, only to have my baby blowout in hers before photo documentation can occur.

7. I will feel vastly inadequate when I receive Christmas letters from vague friends and relatives that make their lives out to be a perfect mix of dazzling family outings and magical vacations combined with the humble brag of what their “gifted” children are up to these days.

I will run out of time to get my in-laws the meaningful present I’d been wracking my brain over and end up sending them a gift printed from the online Walmart “Photo Gifts” menu.

8. Christmas morning will be ruined because I forgot to purchase the 26 C batteries necessary to make the new toy function.

9. I will stuff my body into the sausage casings that are Spanx so that my curves are smooth for our Christmas Eve party but have to sneak off to the bathroom and roll them off after my third helping of pecan pie that I washed down with a glass of eggnog.

10. In a momentary lapse of judgment, I will opt in to the office Secret Santa gift exchange and wind up drawing that one guy who I pass in the hall once a week whose name I can never remember is either Justin or Jaren.

11. I will spend the better part of a Saturday in line at the mall for my children to get their photo taken with Santa and spend $47 on a picture of my daughter screaming and my son with his mouth wide open, not willing to pause as he verbally recites every item on his Christmas list to the Big Guy.

12. In an attempt to make the holidays more magical (and remind my offspring to behave), I will creatively hide the Elf on a Shelf in a place that freaks my kids out to the core, and then remember why we ditched this guy last year.

13. I will drop more money than I spend on a new pair of boots to buy a cute “ugly” Christmas sweater to wear to my staff Christmas party.

14. I will run out of time to get my in-laws the meaningful present I’d been racking my brain over and end up sending them a gift printed from the online Walmart “Photo Gifts” menu.

15. I will plan my perfect night of staying up late with wine and holiday movies to wrap all the presents and wake up three Hallmark movies later with the scissors dangerously close to my left eye and tape in my hair.

While I know this Christmas will be anything but perfect, I will continue to try my best to deck the halls and jingle the bells with all the enthusiasm I can muster—and pray that my kids remember the magic and forget the imperfections.

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