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Hey, Hubby, Here Are 9 Signs That You’re Going to Get Laid Tonight

Photograph by Twenty20

Hey, husband, remember when we used to have sex all the time? Many occasions being after 10 p.m., with the lights on? Remember how we got married and I still threw on that vanilla bean lotion when I was feeling frisky? Remember how we had kids that ate the vanilla bean lotion and now you don’t know whether I have indigestion or I’m indicating sexy time?

Just to clear up any confusion, here's a list of nine signs that you’re going to get laid tonight:

1. All the Legos have been removed from the bed.

Something looks strange in the bedroom. All the colorful widgets of pain that normally find themselves wedged between my body and yours are suspiciously missing. Either those sadist rectangles have found better prey or you’re getting laid tonight.

2. I'm wearing the sex robe.

Hey, handsome, I’m wearing that robe. You know the one. No, not the puffy one that puts 12 inches of snowflake faux fur between us. The sex robe. What, you don’t know it? It’s thin! It’s made of satin! Satin means sex. Or hand-washing an article of clothing. Both of which haven’t happened in months. You’re about to GET IT in a big, satiny way!

3. I took a shower.

Come here, you. I want to tell you something in your ear. It’s something special that doesn’t happen every day. In fact, we’re lucky if I get to it once a week. A little closer. (Whispered breathlessly): I SHOWERED. Sexual forecast: sex drought over.

This needs no introduction and is the purest of all mom seduction signals.

4. We finished "Game of Thrones" and I took my hair band off.

Hey, Jon Sn—I mean, husband, I just took my hair band off, so my loose waves can escape their sexual confinement. My god, these mid-length tresses are glossy from all the oil that it collected while I took care of your children. Just so you know, the GOT/hair band release combo is 100 percent a sex sign.

5. You did the dishes, took out the trash, put the kids to bed and poured me a glass of wine.

This simple equation will put take you out of the sexual Sahara and into the rainforest of my lady love with no foreplay necessary. In fact, porn should just have guys doing this, shirtless, without asking.

6. I mention your beard makes you look like Jon Snow at dinner and that I left the onions out of the casserole.

The fact that I made something from scratch instead of throwing random snack foods on the table and announcing, “Tapas night!” is already a good sign. Now no onions? And a Jon Snow beard? Can we say "sex triple threat"?

7. I serve dinner at 3:30 p.m.

As you know, our children’s nighttime routine, including the checking the toothbrush holder for monsters, takes every ounce of my libido. Because by then it’s 9 p.m., the time when I turn off all the lights and scream, “It’s bedtime!” However, if I do dinner at 3:30 p.m., even though I still might turn off all the lights, the only screaming that will be happening is me screaming, “King of the North!”

8. Our kid tells you, "Mommy's ready to talk in the bedroom while we watch whatever we want" and he's holding a bag of old Halloween candy.

This needs no introduction and is the purest of all mom seduction signals.

9. "Game of Thrones" is playing in the bedroom and I've casually strewn a bunch of bear pelts on the bed.

Hey, husband, I was just wondering if you could throw these over your bare chest. Wondering if you’re going to get laid? Just ask this Pentacostal-length blond wig.