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The Internet is full of articles detailing the latest trends in health and fitness; I'm getting worn out just reading them, and I haven't even started exercising or slathering rainforest extracts onto my hair yet! If you've somehow missed the updates though, and you thought the macrobiotic diets and Master Cleanses of 2014 were wild, you're in for a healthy, heaping dose of what-the-hell-is-going-on-here.
For example, are you aware that right now, probably this very second, people are making "bulletproof coffee" by adding grass-fed butter to their morning brew? I didn't even know we were supposed to be feeding our butter anything, which just goes to show how unhealthy I am. I have no idea if bulletproof coffee provides the cognitive boost and weight loss it promises, but I do know it's the only recipe I've ever seen that makes both coffee and butter sound nauseating, so there's that.
From swishing coconut oil around in our mouths to slurping bone broth, it seems we'll do almost anything if the Internet "experts" say it might bring us weight loss or shiny skin. That's why I'm a little surprised we haven't seen the following health fads suggested yet—if we're willing to eat a ketogenic diet and wash it all down with activated charcoal water, why not try these fads, too?
Enjoy noticeable health benefits such as staying alive.
Juicing—the act of torturing fruits and vegetables until they cry—gained popularity in 2012. Soon, people were blending otherwise inedible stuff like kale and yogurt into their juices, and the smoothie was born! Now, thanks to modern technology, we're able to take the All-Liquid Anti-Chewing Movement one step further by juicing our smoothies, thus removing all pesky traces of food completely.
The Toddler Press
This exercise, which should be part of every mom's regular workout, is resistance training for a mother's inner strength. Each time your toddler resists getting dressed, resists eating the food you prepared or resists acknowledging that you might, in fact, have some clue about whether or not licking the beaters while they're still on poses a safety hazard, firmly press the palms of your hands over your ears until you can't hear anyone sassing you anymore.
Tapping into the energy of the earth with a nod to the paleo trend, why not buy a quart or two of what absolutely zero experts are calling Dinosaur Elixir? All you need to do is purchase some, then stick it on a shelf in your garage or something; according to scientists, not drinking motor oil is supposed to be extremely good for your digestive system and increases your life expectancy!
Oh, are you still wasting your precious time on those 10-minute high intensity workouts? Not anymore! If an overindulgence at dinner or a little PMS bloat has your mom-fashion feeling a little snug, just lift your 13-ounce computer mouse and use it to order some bigger pants online. Add more reps for even more dramatic results!
Enhanced Oxygen Reuptake Therapy
Oxygen is an essential element, used by every cell in our bodies as far as I know! Believe it or not, you can get oxygen for free by training yourself to contract and flatten your diaphragm muscle, thus expanding your torso volume and allowing your lungs to fill with air. Do this simple exercise several times per minute, all day long, and enjoy noticeable health benefits such as staying alive.
2015 is shaping up to be the healthiest year ever! Don't forget to send me wads of cash if you try any of these tips; after all, what's the point of a fitness fad if some Internet know-it-all isn't getting rich?