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Marketers at a Loss for How to Brand Future Generations

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A new study shows that over 97 percent of marketers are worried about the dwindling number of labels and stereotypes they can impose on new generations.

Without a definite and unique way to characterize these yet-nonexistent fetuses, parents who are willing to spend exorbitant amounts of money to understand their children will have no more reason to spend said exorbitant amounts of money. As a result, the economy will cease to function.

According to the Board of Underappreciated Learned Laypeople Saving Homes from Itsy-bitsy Tyrants, half of the 97 percent of marketers have given up and sent in their two-week notices, while the other half are holding emergency brand-building brainstorming sessions.

"Society just can't function if our future generations don't have generalized identities," said one of the marketers who self-identifies as a frustrated optimist. "You've got the tech-incompetent baby boomers, the negative and cynical Gen Xers, the entitled and lazy millennials and now the recently reported independent and tech-savvy Generation Zers. But what comes after 'Z'? Without the right stereotypes, we won't even know how to complain about their upcoming failures."

To determine a generation's stereotype, an underground ceremony is held every decade or so, and an elite league of marketers spin a wheel of adjectives. Problem is, now they're running out of just-different-enough adjectives.

But for some marketers, the biggest concern is the naming system. After going through Generations X, Y and Z, they're now turning to a different alphabet with the Alpha Generation.

"What happens if we run out of Greek letters? What then?" said a marketer born as Gen X. "Let's just hope the human population can't sustain itself that long."

Some parents have even voiced concerns of switching over to an non-English alphabet.

"Not only will our children and grandchildren be behind learning the alphabet, but they now have to learn a second one, too?" said a mom of three.

RELATED: Oklahoma Votes to Ban AP US History

Studies also released today include: "Parents Have 100 Percent Chance of Parenthood," "Listening to T-Pain Makes Babies Smarter" and "The Swedes Are Better Than Us at Everything."

Note: The statistics reflected in this study may have margins of error up to 200 percent.

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