Our Privacy/Cookie Policy contains detailed information about the types of cookies & related technology on our site, and some ways to opt out. By using the site, you agree to the uses of cookies and other technology as outlined in our Policy, and to our Terms of Use.


Marketers at a Loss for How to Brand Future Generations

Photograph by Getty Images

A new study shows that over 97 percent of marketers are worried about the dwindling number of labels and stereotypes they can impose on new generations.

Without a definite and unique way to characterize these yet-nonexistent fetuses, parents who are willing to spend exorbitant amounts of money to understand their children will have no more reason to spend said exorbitant amounts of money. As a result, the economy will cease to function.

According to the Board of Underappreciated Learned Laypeople Saving Homes from Itsy-bitsy Tyrants, half of the 97 percent of marketers have given up and sent in their two-week notices, while the other half are holding emergency brand-building brainstorming sessions.

"Society just can't function if our future generations don't have generalized identities," said one of the marketers who self-identifies as a frustrated optimist. "You've got the tech-incompetent baby boomers, the negative and cynical Gen Xers, the entitled and lazy millennials and now the recently reported independent and tech-savvy Generation Zers. But what comes after 'Z'? Without the right stereotypes, we won't even know how to complain about their upcoming failures."

To determine a generation's stereotype, an underground ceremony is held every decade or so, and an elite league of marketers spin a wheel of adjectives. Problem is, now they're running out of just-different-enough adjectives.

But for some marketers, the biggest concern is the naming system. After going through Generations X, Y and Z, they're now turning to a different alphabet with the Alpha Generation.

"What happens if we run out of Greek letters? What then?" said a marketer born as Gen X. "Let's just hope the human population can't sustain itself that long."

Some parents have even voiced concerns of switching over to an non-English alphabet.

"Not only will our children and grandchildren be behind learning the alphabet, but they now have to learn a second one, too?" said a mom of three.

RELATED: Oklahoma Votes to Ban AP US History

Studies also released today include: "Parents Have 100 Percent Chance of Parenthood," "Listening to T-Pain Makes Babies Smarter" and "The Swedes Are Better Than Us at Everything."

Note: The statistics reflected in this study may have margins of error up to 200 percent.

More from lifestyle