I'll never forget the moment I first realized the truth
about Santa Claus.
I was trailing my mom through the store after school in early spring in my
plain Catholic-girl uniform as she bustled her way through aisles full of shiny
plastic green Easter grass and chocolate bunnies.
As I watched her from my post behind the cart, it all hit me
in a sudden rush.
Santa. Easter Bunny.
Stores fully of candy. Baskets. Stockings. Bleary-eyed parents in the morning.
I realized, with a sinking pit in my stomach, the impossible
practicality of a giant bunny hopping its way into my house and filling a
basket full of Easter goodies, which meant, of course, that none of it was
Guiltily, I snuck a glance at my mother and sighed with the tremendous
burden my 8-year-old self felt for having to go along with the charade.
And since that moment it was all ruined for me, I've held
that big, furry, giant bunny in total contempt—just like most mothers around
me, for many a reason:
1. The Easter Bunny
is the stuff of nightmares
I mean, really. Is there anything more
terrifying than the thought of an invasive giant bunny breaking into your home? The forced pictures with the Easter Bunny are borderline child abuse to those
poor screaming kids, and who can blame them for being horrified? And if you've
ever had the misfortune of watching the movie "Donnie Darko," you
will never look at bunnies the same way again.
2. The Easter Bunny
is just so implausible
A fat man in a red suit and a team of flying reindeers?
I can get behind that. We can work with that—St. Nick was real and
reindeers are real and if you squint really hard at night on Christmas Eve, you
can kinda sorta see a red light streaking across the sky, so bring on that
Christmas magic. But what is there believable about the Easter Bunny? Last
time I checked, there aren't any giant bunnies hopping around our yard.
3. The Easter Bunny
can ruin everything
Trust me, kids are more likely to question the bunny
than Santa—and like it did for me, it will just ruin everything.
4. No one really gets the Easter Bunny
If you celebrate Easter for religious reasons, the Easter
Bunny makes absolutely no sense. What's the connection? Last night at dinner,
my 6-year-old cocked her head and asked, "Mom? What does the Easter
Bunny have to do with the real reason for Easter?" and I
had.nothing.to.say. And if you're not celebrating Easter for religious reasons,
but just for fun, it still makes no sense.
With the picture-taking and the cutesy crafts and
the baking and massive Easter egg hunts, the Easter Bunny and his stupid fluffy
tail has sabotaged a sacred holiday formerly reserved for doing absolutely
nothing except eating as many chocolate eggs as possible, gosh dang it.
about you? Do you loathe the Easter Bunny like me?