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5 Things My Sons Taught Me About Men

When my first son was around 2 years old, I took him to the park to play. He encountered a 2-year-old girl, and they began to play together. After a few minutes, he lost interest and went off to play in another part of the park. The little girl followed us and then offered me a long narrative that explained why my son had walked away from her.

"He was playing here," she explained, "but then he thought about doing swings, so now he's gonna do that. But then he'll come back to play with me," she said.

My 2-year-old son could barely string a sentence together, but this toddler girl had created an entire story to explain my son's actions. Meanwhile, I thought, "No, sweetie. He put no thought into it whatsoever. He just wanted to play over there."

It made me think about everything I know about men. Which is not a lot, I assure you. I was one of those floundering single girls who had no idea why—or if—a date went well, why or if he'd call. What anything meant, really.

RELATED: Open Letter to My Sons: Why Won't You Eat?

But now I'm a mom to two boys. And their little boy behavior is teaching me a lot about men

1. They are not thinking about it nearly as much as you are thinking about it

I used to dissect every last phone call, wayward glance and email back when I was dating. But now I realize: all that analyzing was for nothing. My boys have taught me that there's not even a fraction of the thought put into each move they make. So, stop trying to figure out what your boyfriend/husband/hookup/guy you went out with once/[insert relationship here] is thinking.

Chances are: They're not.

2. Boys and their swords

My boys can make a sword or a light saber out of anything. I mean anything. They never met a phallus they didn't like. Even if we are out in a deserted field, they'll find a stick and use that. Or a pen, in a pinch.

We women don't need swords for our strength. Women get it from within. Especially moms. Remember that story about a mom who was able to lift a car to save her child? Yeah, that. If we learned nothing more from the Kimmy Schmidt theme song, it's that females are strong as hell.

So, next time you're in a meeting and a man is waving his pen around to make a point, you can have a little chuckle imagining him as a 4-year-old boy, out on the playground, needing a toy sword to give him strength.

3. Size does matter

My 5-year-old came home from kindergarten the other day, giving me a tally of the tallest and shortest boys in his class. It seems even at the tender age of 5, they'd all discovered that, for a boy, taller was preferable. Shorter was laughable. And I noticed that a pecking order developed based on who the tallest kid was.

Next time you're thinking about how men get all of their confidence? Remember, they can pee anywhere they want. True freedom.

Next time you're dealing with a very short man or a very tall man, remember that looks do matter: his confidence may stem directly from his stature. Tread accordingly.

4. The world is their toilet

My boys relish the opportunity to go pee-pee anywhere. And I mean anywhere.

I recently potty-trained my 3-year-old, and he felt that he wasn't truly potty-trained until he could do his business on the bush outside our house, where his older brother favors. It somehow became a rite of passage to go potty on that bush. His brother took him outside and showed him how it was done. After my 3-year-old did his thing, he turned to me and said: I'm a big boy now.

But it's more than that. The other night, at baseball practice, there was no bathroom at the field where the kids practiced. One of the kids had to go, and thankfully it was a boy. The mom just directed him to the furthest corner of the field—crisis averted. There's an ease and convenience to that. It makes life the tiniest bit easier.

Next time you're thinking about how men get all of their confidence? Remember, they can pee anywhere they want. True freedom.

5. Their insides are mush

I used to think that females were the fairer sex. That we were the ones who were all mushy inside, that we were the ones who always back down first. But marriage and motherhood to two boys has taught me that the precise opposite is true. It's my husband who is all mushy gushy inside. And my boys give me all the cuddles and hugs and kisses a girl could possibly ask for. I see my friends with their little girls, and those tiny tots are already high school girls in training: aloof with a serious attitude. My boys? No attitude whatsoever. They love their mommy, their family, and, well, their swords.

RELATED: 12 Times I Lied to My Kids

Men? They're easier to deal with than we think. So, the next time you are trying to figure a man out, just remember that, inside, he's a little boy. He's not nearly as complicated as you're giving him credit for.

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Image via Twenty20/Huenememama

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