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To My Husband: Life Won't Always Be Like This

Photograph by Twenty20

My dear husband,

Life is pretty different now, isn’t it? Our schedules are tighter and the bank account is somehow missing a lot of money. Dinner out is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth. Of course we love this little child more than life itself, but if I'm being completely honest, sometimes I miss just us.

I miss the long talks over wine with you late into the night and then sleeping in. I miss being able to take off for the weekend, just the two of us. I miss the roads trips with you while we listened to podcasts because it made us sound interesting. We used to talk about the state of the world and our favorite restaurants, but now we’re worried about how the baby is sleeping and if that cough will turn into a fever and cold.

And the money. Why is there never enough money? The extra bits we have coming in are no longer going to steak dinners and ordering dessert afterwards. It’s being used on diapers and sippy cups and all the other things we have to spend our money on to keep our precious daughter fed and clothed.

I think I can speak for the both of us when I say thank God we're at least still having sexy time. But it’s weird, probably because we have a baby in the next room that might wake up if my head thumps against the wall. And I know you say you still find me attractive, but the stretch marks and C-section scar dishearten me sometimes. I miss the 24-year-old that could strip down and love the skin she was in. I miss my body before I got pregnant and now I wonder if I would even recognize her among the looser skin and hot flashes.

This is in no way implying that I’m unhappy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been, having the honor to bring this little child into the world. I think we can both agree that life is infinitely better with her here. But my heart aches for you.

Life is so good, but it’s so damn exhausting.

When we’re sitting on the couch staring at the TV because we’re too exhausted to talk. When we fought over who was going to change the diaper or clean up the milk spill. Life is so good, but it’s so damn exhausting.

It’s easy to dive head first into parenthood and focus on the day-to-day challenges. Sometimes, it’s just easier to be a mom than to be a wife.

I promise life won’t always be like this. One day, probably before we even realize it, this baby that causes us so many sleepless nights will start keeping us up wondering when she'll be home from that party. Wondering how she's feeling the night before her wedding. Wondering if she even realizes how much motherhood is going to change her life forever.

Even when I feel like I’m drowning in motherhood, I can’t help but picture you and what we'll look like in 20 years. I want you there with me and I want you forever. But life it just a little bit crazy now and I’m terrible at showing you how much I need you, besides asking you to help me clean up the toys.

Thank you for sticking by me and loving me amidst the spit-ups and spaghetti explosions and the poop that gets smeared on the crib. Someday, we will find “us” again and the chaos of new parenthood will be a distant memory. When our beautiful little girl has found a life of her own, I want you there by my side to hold my hand and tell me how good we did. Raising a child and being responsible for every aspect of their upbringing is a lot to take on.

I’m so glad you’re here with me. And I can’t wait for the next chapter with you.

Love,

Your grateful and exhausted partner in life

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