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5 Candies Not to Give Your Kids

Photograph by Getty Images

If you heard what sounded like a 39-year-old exhausted mother of two screaming in orgasmic delight at 1:20 p.m. last week, that was me, walking into the National Confectioners' Association's annual Sweets & Snacks Expo: three and a half acres of candy and snack items, from Jelly Belly's hottest bean to Justin's newest nut butter, Godiva to GoGo Squeeze, Skittles to Mars and everyone in between.

A 10-foot-tall yellow M & M greets you as you walk into this real live Willy Wonky Land; once inside, the fondue flows and the non-GMO popcorn never runs out. Last year, I walked the floor while eight and a half months pregnant and apparently hoarded enough samples and had enough melted chocolate smeared across my face that not one, not two, but three separate vendors remembered me when I walked by their booths this year. And when you spend your days at trade show after trade show, hawking caffeinated sunflower seeds or salmon jerky or reduced-fat taffy, you see a lot of frenzied, snack-crazed little piggies, so that's saying something.

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Anyway, in addition to carting home three tote bags' worth of sugar and fat, I kept a running list of offerings that might qualify for a list called "Feeding Your Child This Food Might Be the Dumbest Idea EVER." Some of these are marketed directly at little ones; others are aimed at adults but could be borderline disastrous in the hands of your 4-year-old.

And so, allow me to present…

Candy You Should Not Give To Your Child

1. Awake Caffeinated Chocolate

Oh, sweet Jesus. This is all I need: My 3-year-old accidentally snarfing down a dark chocolate bar injected with a Red Bull's worth of caffeine just before nap time, AKA Mommy's Happiest Hour of the Day.

Image via Awake Caffeinated Chocolate

2. Toxic Waste Sour Candy

Besides being a big-duh choking hazard, these uber-sour candies come in a container shaped like an over-flowing drum of toxic waste. The company also sells crunchy sour candy called, appetizingly, Smog Balls.

Image via prisfall.se

3. Jelly Belly Barf-Flavored Jelly Beans

Yes, these exist. As do Stinky Socks, Rotten Egg, Booger and Canned Dog Food Flavors. In all honesty, I'm not 100 percent sure these flavors were being sampled at this year's candy convention as I was too busy shoving chocolate-covered maple creams in my bag to make it to the center of the show, where Jelly Belly usually showcases, but I've seen them there in prior years, and every year I'm just grossed out beyond belief.

Image via DealGenius

4. Beer Cake

For your kid's upcoming birthday party, why not go for a bounce house full of buzzed, slurring, 4-feet-tall maniacs? In truth, I'm sure the alcohol cooks out, but still, I'd rather our kids don't taste Bud Light until at least middle school.

Image via Pinterest/Roberta Tockman-Karteron

RELATED: I Let 'Candy Crush' Crush My Kid

5. Tung-toos Candy Tongue Art

A nutritious blend of aspartame, edible Ink, isopropanol, FD&C Yellow Numbers 5 and 6, FD&C Blue No. 1, FD&C Red No. 3 and more. Don't forget to encourage your kid to snap a pic of his tongue tat and tweet it out with the hashtag ‪#‎mytungtooselfie

Image via Mitzvahmarket

Runners up: Volcano Popping Candy, Candy Pizza and limited edition red-and-green candy corn called Jesus Promise Seeds

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