If it's June, it's time to turn our attention to the fathers in our children's lives. Yes, June 21 is Father's DayJune 21st is Father's Day—or, as many moms have come to think of it, Sunday.
While most dads deserve every bit of praise that will be heaped on them this Father's Day, they also aren't without their (many, many, very irritating) faults. Of course, we won't nitpick on a day that's meant for him to feel special. But if we could fix one thing about him and tie it up in a bow—well, why not?
Behold! Nine passive-aggressive Father's Day gifts that simultaneously say "we thought of you," and "if we have to think about this again, you might be on your own this time next year."
1. Hearing aids
To lose one's hearing is to miss out on the joyful sounds of a symphony orchestra in concert or chirping birds delighting on a late spring morning. It also means, apparently, that you cannot hear your preschooler's shrieks for help wiping their butt, or the woeful cries of a baby in the middle of the night. If he always says he would have done it if he'd heard it—and would have cherished doing it!—then how is this not the perfect gift?
2. Hearing aids with a built-in alarm clock
We know, we know—it's hard to get up during the week. Especially when there are small people with teeth to be brushed, clothing to be wrangled, breakfast to be negotiated and lunches to be made. Dads would help—really, they would—except their alarm clocks never quite work just right. With hearing aids equipped with a built-in alarm clock, however (controlled by the other adult in the house who doesn't have time for excuses in the morning), this will no longer be an issue.
3. A "How to Unload the GD Dishwasher" DVD
On that same note, plenty of dads know where to find plates to eat their food, and yet when it comes to emptying the dishwasher, they come down with a severe case of But-I-Didn't-Know-Where-To-Put-It-itis. While there will be no prime-time telethon or ice-bucket challenge for their benefit, an instructional DVD showing dads the location and contents of kitchen cabinets—which never, ever change, by the way—might just be what it will take to enable them to successfully empty the dishwasher.
No, it's not a beer-of-the-month club, but since many dads say they'd enjoy cooking if only they knew what to cook—voila! Think of it as a manlier version of the classic TV dinner. True, we're not giving dads a TV to go with it, but let's be honest, whenever they want a new one, they just go out and buy one, anyway, don't they?
We'll make remembering us easier for dads so that they're showered with our appreciation on other days in addition to Father's Day. We know they mean to thank us with tulips and commemorate us with chrysanthemums, which is why we're bumping them with Bouqs. You're welcome.
5. A bat signal
What adult comic book nerd wouldn't love to own a piece of a legend? And what wife wouldn't appreciate getting a response when she calls? If he won't turn on his phone, return a text or just come home, surely he'll realize that with great power comes great responsibility—or at least that returning a friggin' email is way easier and far less painful for everyone involved than what will ensue if he doesn't.
6. A face tattoo with the garbage pickup days
Since the calendar taped to the fridge doesn't do the trick, or the fact that every single Monday and Friday have been garbage pickup days for years and years, perhaps a tattoo on his face with the schedule will remind him to take out the trash, since he seems to spend more time in the bathroom each morning than anywhere else.
Image via Dollar Shave Club
It doesn't seem to matter if we buy them at Costco, the Dollar Shave Club or the fancy-pants Art of Shaving, and if we deliver them to him on a silver platter or rolled up in a Playboy: Dads seem to miss the memo that Saturdays, Sundays and holidays are not synonymous with, "Oh, I don't need to bother shaving today." If you want kisses, 86 the stubble. Otherwise we can find another use for your razors, and chances are, it won't be pretty. Capiche?
8. A pair
The Tin Man got a heart, the Lion courage and Scarecrow a brain. This Father's Day, we'd like to give dads everywhere a pair. We hereby empower them to make a decision on where to go to dinner, what to wear to the store, to not call his own brother and how many books the kids can get before bed. Dads are big boys and we are their kids' moms, not theirs. Make a decision and stick with it, guys. You can do it!
9. The new Apple watch
Just kidding. We totally would have gotten it for the dads in our life, but we just blew the budget buying ourselves new iPads for Mother's Day. From the dads, of course. Thanks!