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It's June so that means that women all over the
country are agonizing over what to get the man in their life for Father's Day.
Can you blame him if his face didn't light up last year when you presented him
with 2-for-1 polo shirts from the Men's Warehouse? This year, give your guy
what he really wants (and if you're still not sure, just let him take a nap).
For some reason, guys are supposed to get excited about a piece of intricately tied cloth that hangs unnecessarily from their necks. Unless this tie features the keys of a piano (in which case, it's awesome) don't waste your money.
He really wants: bondage stuff
You don't need to spend money on fancy S&M stuff
to give your man a thrill. Take a tie that's already in his closet and let him
strap you to the bed tonight. Or, the other way around if that's what floats his
You think he wants: tools
Everyone knows you're not a real man unless you are in
possession of a toolbox filled with all manner of wrenches, pliers and
screwdrivers that you'll never use.
He really wants: a handyman
Let's face it: He doesn't know the difference between
a Philips and a flathead—and that's OK. Secretly hire a handyman so he doesn't
have to pretend to know how to fix shit. He'll be thankful and so will you.
You think he wants: shaving stuff
Apparently, having a disposable razor and a can of
Barbasol is no longer enough. Since when are men expected to spend more time
grooming the hair on their faces than we girls spend on our lady parts?
He really wants: a no-shave day
Give your guy permission to opt out of the moustache
grooming/Amish beard-growing trend.
You think he wants: ride-on lawnmower
A ride-on lawnmower screams, "I'm lazy as fuck but I
care about my grass." Owning this piece of machinery will not increase your guy's
manliness. It will just make him fatter with a farmer's tan.
He really wants: for you to tell your girlfriends he
has a huge penis
It's a gift that costs nothing and will give him a
huge ego boost. If you're feeling really generous, tell the people that work at
the dry cleaners, and the post office and the grocery store checkout, too.
I know it makes sense—he could put his book and his lunch and his balls in there.
You think he wants: grilling stuff
Most women do the cooking at home, but when you bring
the food outdoors and add fire, suddenly it's the man's domain. But what if he
doesn't get excited by a spatula and tongs?
He really wants: dinner out
Skip the charcoal and take him to a nice steakhouse
that doesn't have a commercial featuring a gravy boat of Jack Daniels syrup being
slowly poured over a cheap cut of meat.
You think he wants: fishing stuff
When was the last time your guy said, "Honey, I wish I
could spend all afternoon sitting in a row boat with a cooler full of worms and
He really wants: a party boat
Allow him to drive it, even if he doesn't know what he's doing. (And make sure to call him "Captain.")
You think he wants: Swiss Army knife
Since he is no longer a Boy Scout and his needs to
whittle are fairly limited, leave this one at the store.
He really wants: a samurai sword
If you can get it signed by Randy Jackson, even
You think he wants: man purse
I know it makes sense—he could put his book and his
lunch and his balls in there.
He really wants: plastic shopping bag
Just stop bothering him for carrying his shit in a CVS
bag. If you want to be nice, double-bag it for him.
You think he wants: fine whiskey
He knows he's supposed to be a connoisseur of the
single malt, but why make him feel bad if he thinks it all tastes like cough medicine?
He really wants: Straw-Ber-Rita
Give him permission to sip his pre-bottled margarita in