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10 Things He Really Wants for Father's Day

It's June so that means that women all over the country are agonizing over what to get the man in their life for Father's Day. Can you blame him if his face didn't light up last year when you presented him with 2-for-1 polo shirts from the Men's Warehouse? This year, give your guy what he really wants (and if you're still not sure, just let him take a nap).

1. You think he wants: a tie

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For some reason, guys are supposed to get excited about a piece of intricately tied cloth that hangs unnecessarily from their necks. Unless this tie features the keys of a piano (in which case, it's awesome) don't waste your money.

He really wants: bondage stuff

You don't need to spend money on fancy S&M stuff to give your man a thrill. Take a tie that's already in his closet and let him strap you to the bed tonight. Or, the other way around if that's what floats his boat.

2. You think he wants: tools

Everyone knows you're not a real man unless you are in possession of a toolbox filled with all manner of wrenches, pliers and screwdrivers that you'll never use.

He really wants: a handyman

Let's face it: He doesn't know the difference between a Philips and a flathead—and that's OK. Secretly hire a handyman so he doesn't have to pretend to know how to fix shit. He'll be thankful and so will you.

3. You think he wants: shaving stuff

Apparently, having a disposable razor and a can of Barbasol is no longer enough. Since when are men expected to spend more time grooming the hair on their faces than we girls spend on our lady parts?

He really wants: a no-shave day

Give your guy permission to opt out of the moustache grooming/Amish beard-growing trend.

4. You think he wants: ride-on lawnmower

A ride-on lawnmower screams, "I'm lazy as fuck but I care about my grass." Owning this piece of machinery will not increase your guy's manliness. It will just make him fatter with a farmer's tan.

He really wants: for you to tell your girlfriends he has a huge penis

It's a gift that costs nothing and will give him a huge ego boost. If you're feeling really generous, tell the people that work at the dry cleaners, and the post office and the grocery store checkout, too.

I know it makes sense—he could put his book and his lunch and his balls in there.

5. You think he wants: grilling stuff

Most women do the cooking at home, but when you bring the food outdoors and add fire, suddenly it's the man's domain. But what if he doesn't get excited by a spatula and tongs?

He really wants: dinner out

Skip the charcoal and take him to a nice steakhouse that doesn't have a commercial featuring a gravy boat of Jack Daniels syrup being slowly poured over a cheap cut of meat.

6. You think he wants: fishing stuff

When was the last time your guy said, "Honey, I wish I could spend all afternoon sitting in a row boat with a cooler full of worms and PBR"?

He really wants: a party boat

Allow him to drive it, even if he doesn't know what he's doing. (And make sure to call him "Captain.")

7. You think he wants: Swiss Army knife

Since he is no longer a Boy Scout and his needs to whittle are fairly limited, leave this one at the store.

He really wants: a samurai sword

If you can get it signed by Randy Jackson, even better.

8. You think he wants: man purse

I know it makes sense—he could put his book and his lunch and his balls in there.

He really wants: plastic shopping bag

Just stop bothering him for carrying his shit in a CVS bag. If you want to be nice, double-bag it for him.

9. You think he wants: fine whiskey

He knows he's supposed to be a connoisseur of the single malt, but why make him feel bad if he thinks it all tastes like cough medicine?

He really wants: Straw-Ber-Rita

Give him permission to sip his pre-bottled margarita in peace.

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10. You think he wants: a greeting card

You can go ahead and spend half an hour in Walgreens selecting the perfect sentiment— just know that your $4 card is going in the garbage as soon as you leave the room.

He really wants: a blowjob

Rumor has it that men really like these. Much more than cards.

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Images via Twenty20

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