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10 Things I Said That Made My Friend Never Want Kids

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Last night, I was on the phone with a friend who hasn't yet had kiddies, and the things coming out of my mouth scared her. Terrified her.

In fact, I'm really nervous that she's never going to have kids now because of me.

Here are the 10 things I said while we were on the phone:

1. I'm on the phone

My kids basically wait until I'm engaged in another activity to speak to me.

RELATED: 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Mom

2. Yes, you can eat that

When mommy's on the phone, it's a free pass to raid the pantry.

3. No, you can't eat that

Well, not entirely.

4. Get that out of your mouth!

Ever look at your kid and you JUST KNOW that there's a foreign object in his mouth? Yeah, that. We mommies know not to panic when there's a ball/ whistle/ keychain/ eraser in our kids' mouths, but for the child-free friend, this one was a definite freak-out. "What was in his mouth?" she wanted to know. And then she was beyond horrified to discover that I never found out.


Seriously. I could go hours on end with my kids ignoring me, but the second I pick up that phone, suddenly I'm the most interesting person in the world.

My friend said, 'Um, do you have to go?' to which I cheerfully replied, 'No, I'm sure it's fine!' She did not respond.

6. I know you're hungry, dinner's almost ready

"Why aren't you feeding your children?" my friend wanted to know. "Why, dear God, WHY?!" I explained to her that it's not like they skipped lunch and she didn't respond. She was probably googling the number for child protective services.

7. Get your bare butt off your brother's head

[Friend rendered utterly speechless by this one.]

8. Is that blood on the floor?

Well, to be fair, it started with my almost 6-year-old announcing, "There's blood on the floor." I then answered, "I'm sure there's not blood on the floor," but then, when I took a look, lo and behold, there was a giant red stain all over my hardwood floors. My friend said, "Um, do you have to go?" to which I cheerfully replied, "No, I'm sure it's fine!" She did not respond.

RELATED: 12 Times I Lied to My Kid

9. Why is there red magic marker on the floor?

My hardwood floors. My beautiful hardwood floors. Marred by a magic marker. Why I was upset about this but was perfectly calm about the blood is beyond me. Oh, yes, that's right. MY HARDWOOD FLOORS.


In my defense, it was a really big mark. [Friend hangs up the phone on me, never to be heard from again.]

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