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Report: Many Children Now Peaking in Preschool

Photograph by Twenty20

According to recent research, a growing number of children are now reaching their social and intellectual peak in preschool, leaving many of them unfocused, lacking ambition and poopie by the time they reach the first semester of second grade.

"It's alarming, but what we're seeing are children who are 3 or 4 years old, who have a lot of besties and the advanced block-stacking ability of a first-grader, suddenly finding themselves burnt out and unpopular by the time they're 7," says lead researcher Raymond Sloan.

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"These kids, who were standouts during morning hello and snuggles, just can't seem to cut it when faced with the rigors of circle time and rhythmic clapping that awaits them in the years following first grade," Sloan added.

Understandably, the new report has parents confused and angry; many were certain that their child's popularity in preschool would take them right into being smug and annoying adults.

Maybe it's time to consider having another child that could possibly fulfill your dreams.

"Everybody wanted to be Sparrow's friend. I mean everybody!" said Sandra Bobbins of her daughter's preschool term. "Now she's 6-and-a-half, and she's only been invited to 10 birthday parties this entire year. That's ONE-OH!," Bobbins shrieked.

Some parents had pinned their hopes for the future on their high-achieving preschoolers. "My daughter Elf could say 'goodnight' in Mandarin by the time she was 2," said mom Claire Morgan. "Now she's 7, and she can barely program our DVR for us. It's hard to watch her struggle, moving her lips as she punches in the numbers."

"It just breaks my heart in two," Morgan sobbed.

Psychologist Kimmy Thompson argues that the new findings might be premature. "I don't want to say that a child can be labeled a failure by the time they're in second grade," Thompson argues. "I say give them until third grade, maybe even until winter break of fourth grade. If they aren't showing signs of greatness by that time, OK maybe then it's time to consider having another child that could possibly fulfill your dreams."

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On the other hand, dad Ben Founders says he won't listen to the research and has faith his 3-year-old will continue to be just plain better than all the other kids. "Orson is special. I've seen how the other toddlers are drawn to him, and how he has a unique way of spilling juice on the freshly washed carpet," gushed the first-time father. "He says wants to be a panda when he grows up, and I'll be here every step of the way to help him achieve that dream."

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