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The start of the school season is an important time for
parents and children. It's very important that parents don't screw this up and
send their children into a tailspin of academic underachievement and serial
killer-ing. With that in mind, here are some helpful tips to help you and your
child get ready for the school year.
You aren't fooling anyone
with those organic, homemade, bento boxes and Kale salad. We know in two months
it's going to be packaged crackers and a tube of yogurt. Just skip to the good
stuff now so your child can actually eat lunch for those first two months.
2. Never stop taking pictures.
If your children aren't prostrate on the floor, crying tears of blood, then you haven't gone far enough.
Never put down the camera. Always force your child to smile or look casual for back-to-school pictures.
Make sure you yell, "JACKSON, HONEY, SMILE FOR MOMMY!" in a really loud, but
high-pitched voice that indicates how much you love Jackson, but also how much
he is ruining your life for not looking more like those kids on all those
Bonus: Your pictures will look a lot better if you pose your kids with a
homemade sign against a white wall. Hospitals have lots of white walls, go
there. Even if you have to take all day, make sure you get the right shots. This
is the first day of school for god's sake! If you don't get this picture right, everyone will know you are a garbage parent. And if your children aren't prostrate on the floor, crying tears of blood, then you
haven't gone far enough.
3. Immediately post all pictures to social media.
you caption them all with how much you miss your children and the specific number
of tears you cried while seeing them off (should be no less than 264).
Carefully monitor and count all likes and comments. Unfriend anyone who doesn't
like or comment. They are not your friends; they are the enemy.
4. Buy a lot of
pencils and practice writing in your kid's handwriting so you can do their
homework for them.
Remember, you are going for a Harvard acceptance and kindergarten is life or death.
5. Make sure you pin
a lot of adorable teacher gifts on Pinterest.
No one has to know you didn't
actually make them nor did you give your kids' teachers anything. Remember, it's the pin that counts!
6. Coach your
children on what to say when they are asked about summer vacation.
No one can
know about the hours and hours of Netflix. I mean, think of all those "no
screen time" articles you shared on Facebook. You have an image to protect.
7. Take your child to
the mall for back-to-school shopping.
Make sure you have a special lunch date
at the food court, so you can sit and judge how people look and eat. You want your
kid to be popular, right?
8. Prepare your child for school by making them sit for
hours taking meaningless tests.
Then, constantly remind them how they are