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10 Back-to-School Tips You Won't See Anywhere Else

Photograph by Twenty20

The start of the school season is an important time for parents and children. It's very important that parents don't screw this up and send their children into a tailspin of academic underachievement and serial killer-ing. With that in mind, here are some helpful tips to help you and your child get ready for the school year.

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1. Give up now. Don't even try.

You aren't fooling anyone with those organic, homemade, bento boxes and Kale salad. We know in two months it's going to be packaged crackers and a tube of yogurt. Just skip to the good stuff now so your child can actually eat lunch for those first two months.

2. Never stop taking pictures.

If your children aren't prostrate on the floor, crying tears of blood, then you haven't gone far enough.

Never put down the camera. Always force your child to smile or look casual for back-to-school pictures. Make sure you yell, "JACKSON, HONEY, SMILE FOR MOMMY!" in a really loud, but high-pitched voice that indicates how much you love Jackson, but also how much he is ruining your life for not looking more like those kids on all those blogs.

Bonus: Your pictures will look a lot better if you pose your kids with a homemade sign against a white wall. Hospitals have lots of white walls, go there. Even if you have to take all day, make sure you get the right shots. This is the first day of school for god's sake! If you don't get this picture right, everyone will know you are a garbage parent. And if your children aren't prostrate on the floor, crying tears of blood, then you haven't gone far enough.

3. Immediately post all pictures to social media.

Make sure you caption them all with how much you miss your children and the specific number of tears you cried while seeing them off (should be no less than 264). Carefully monitor and count all likes and comments. Unfriend anyone who doesn't like or comment. They are not your friends; they are the enemy.

4. Buy a lot of pencils and practice writing in your kid's handwriting so you can do their homework for them.

Remember, you are going for a Harvard acceptance and kindergarten is life or death.

5. Make sure you pin a lot of adorable teacher gifts on Pinterest.

No one has to know you didn't actually make them nor did you give your kids' teachers anything. Remember, it's the pin that counts!

6. Coach your children on what to say when they are asked about summer vacation.

No one can know about the hours and hours of Netflix. I mean, think of all those "no screen time" articles you shared on Facebook. You have an image to protect.

7. Take your child to the mall for back-to-school shopping.

Make sure you have a special lunch date at the food court, so you can sit and judge how people look and eat. You want your kid to be popular, right?

8. Prepare your child for school by making them sit for hours taking meaningless tests.

Then, constantly remind them how they are failing.

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9. Send your kids to school with little notes that tell them to "Try harder," "Be cooler" and "Please live out my unfulfilled wishes and dreams."

10. Make sure everyone knows you are "the cool mom."

Drop references to the recent celebrity break up and say words like "coolio." All the kids under 5 say "Coolio."

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