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What Ashley Madison Cheaters Have That I Don't

Photograph by Twenty20

With the TV show "The Affair" coming back on the air this month, and the Ashley Madison hack still on people's minds, I've been thinking about all the people having extramarital affairs. I mean, 37 million user accounts were hacked from Ashley Madison. That's a lot of cheaters. Apparently, everyone's doing it.

Except me. I'm not doing it. Because here's the thing: I'm way too tired to have an affair.

First things first: I'm not interested in meeting someone else. I love my husband and the life we've created together, and I still look around at other men and think, "Wow, I really chose wisely." I lived and dated in Manhattan for nine years before I found my husband (seriously, you should see some of the losers I dated), so you could say that I was really picky. I would never do anything to mess up what I've got.

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But even if I wanted to have a little something on the side, let's face it: I'm way too tired to make that happen. Half the time, I'm too exhausted to cook a healthy meal for my family (yes, pizza again!), much less do something after the kids go to bed. Once my husband and I get the kids asleep, we barely have the energy to watch the Shonda Rhimes Thursday night lineup (We power through, OBVIOUSLY). There's really nothing left in the tank to go sneaking around.

I'm also not organized enough to have an affair.

How do these people have time for an affair? My day is filled with kids, work and keeping the house standing. I barely have time to shower much less organize a rendezvous. I have deadlines, to-do lists and no time to get everything accomplished. My husband works a full day as a pediatric cardiologist and then takes call for all our local hospitals every third night. Where's the time to meet extramarital partners and then, you know, do what extramarital partners do? Where do these people find the time?

This morning, I made plans to meet up with another working mom for lunch. We scheduled something for November. An entire month from now.

Let's not even discuss the personal grooming that would need to take place before I let another man see what's going on underneath my clothes. (Spoiler alert: it is NOT pretty.) Back when I was dating, I'd go for waxing appointments, blow outs and spend a half hour doing my make-up just getting ready for a date. These days, I consider going out without a lollipop stuck in my hair a humongous acheivement. (Or are hair-lollipops a new fetish?)

So, you won't find me on Ashley Madison these days. Or even watching "The Affair."

I'm also not organized enough to have an affair. I can barely send a text to the right person half the time. (Sorry, Mom, you do not have to pick milk up on the way home—that was meant for my darling husband), so I don't even understand the logistics involved. Do these people carry around burner phones? How do they keep the deception at bay? Do they not have children who are poking around their phones every second of the day? Kids who crack the code on password-protected devices and start dialing? My own kids have never met a contact they didn't want to FaceTime. (Apologies to my dentist.) What if my kids grabbed my cell phone and accidentally FaceTime'd my paramour? What then?

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So, you won't find me on Ashley Madison these days. Or even watching "The Affair." You will, however, find me watching Shonda Rhimes shows on Thursday nights with my husband, probably with a lollipop stuck somewhere in my hair. And you know what? That's exactly how I like it.

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