With the TV
show "The Affair" coming back on the air this month, and the Ashley Madison hack
still on people's minds, I've been thinking about all the people having extramarital affairs. I mean, 37 million user accounts were hacked from
Ashley Madison. That's a lot of cheaters. Apparently, everyone's
Except me. I'm not doing it. Because here's the
thing: I'm way too tired to have an affair.
first: I'm not interested in meeting someone else. I love my husband and the
life we've created together, and I still look around at other men and think, "Wow, I really chose wisely." I lived and
dated in Manhattan for nine years before I found my husband (seriously, you
should see some of the losers I dated), so you could say that I was really
picky. I would never do anything to mess up what I've got.
But even if I wanted to have a little something on the side, let's face it: I'm way
too tired to make that happen. Half the time, I'm too exhausted to cook a healthy
meal for my family (yes, pizza again!), much less do something after the kids
go to bed. Once my husband and I get the kids asleep, we barely have the energy
to watch the Shonda Rhimes Thursday night lineup (We power through,
OBVIOUSLY). There's really nothing left in the tank to go sneaking around.
I'm also not organized enough to have an affair.
How do these
people have time for an affair? My day is filled with kids, work and keeping
the house standing. I barely have time to shower much less organize a
rendezvous. I have deadlines, to-do lists and no time to get
everything accomplished. My husband works a full day as a pediatric
cardiologist and then takes call for all our local hospitals every third
night. Where's the time to meet extramarital partners and then, you know, do what extramarital partners do? Where do these people find the time?
I made plans to meet up with another working mom for lunch. We scheduled
something for November. An entire month from now.
even discuss the personal grooming that would need to take place before I let
another man see what's going on underneath my clothes. (Spoiler alert: it is
NOT pretty.) Back when I was dating, I'd go for waxing appointments, blow outs and spend a half hour doing my make-up just getting ready for a
date. These days, I consider going out without a lollipop stuck in my hair a humongous acheivement. (Or are hair-lollipops a new fetish?)
So, you won't find me on Ashley Madison these days. Or even watching "The Affair."
I'm also not
organized enough to have an affair. I can barely send a text to the right
person half the time. (Sorry, Mom, you do not have to pick milk up on the way
home—that was meant for my darling husband), so I don't even understand the
logistics involved. Do these people carry around burner phones? How do they
keep the deception at bay? Do they not have children who are poking around
their phones every second of the day? Kids who crack the code on password-protected devices and start dialing? My own kids have never met a contact they
didn't want to FaceTime. (Apologies to my dentist.) What if my kids grabbed my
cell phone and accidentally FaceTime'd my paramour? What then?
So, you won't
find me on Ashley Madison these days. Or even watching "The Affair." You will, however, find me watching Shonda Rhimes shows on Thursday nights with my husband,
probably with a lollipop stuck somewhere in my hair. And you know what? That's
exactly how I like it.