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The 10 Times I'm Sending You to Voice Mail

There used to be a time (before kids) when I would think nothing of spending hours on the phone with a friend. Nowadays, it's rare that I can even pick up calls at all. It's not that I don't want to talk, rather it just proves too difficult given the current circumstances (4-year-old twins, no babysitter).

The following are the hardest times to reach me:

1. When one of my kids is making a mess

The logistics of talking to you and dealing with people who still need to be wiped are just too difficult to negotiate.

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2. When I'm peeing

This is the time for me to check my phone, not talk on it. Small people are waiting outside the door, and they will use force to try to get in.

3. When I'm watching them both at the playground

Watching both kids play in two different areas requires 100 percent of my attention. Your story of a Tinder match's astonishing dick pics would surely distract me from my laser-precision focus.

4. When I'm exercising

True, this is one of the few times during the day I'm kid-free, but I'm not actually agile enough to carry on a conversation without falling off a treadmill at 6 miles per hour.

5. When Daniel Craig is involved

Because date night to see the new James Bond movie = concentrating.

6. When you try to FaceTime

We are all screaming and crying and wiping our snotty noses into the couch, and I wouldn't want you to see that and think less of me.

7. On our way to class

We have all gone to the bathroom, packed our respective toys and beverages, put on jackets and actually gotten out of the house. If we stop to talk now, the sun will have set before we set foot out of the house.

8. During the dinner/bath hour

This is the time of night when a coordinated effort of food flinging and flooding of the bathroom takes place, and we can't be interrupted, especially during the part where we run through the house naked and screaming.

9. During breakfast hour

Same as the dinner hour, except hopefully with clothes on.

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10. Right when they've gone to bed

I'm sitting on the couch in a stupor, drinking wine and watching Anthony Bourdain. I have no other expectations for myself for at least an hour, when the sensation slowly returns to my extremities and then ... nope, sorry, I'm fast asleep.

TTYL I guess!

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