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All the Things That Make a Mom Pee Her Pants (Literally)

Photograph by Twenty20

They say that motherhood is a funny thing. And it is. It’s so funny we’re peeing our pants. Literally.

As soon as the little milk monster comes shooting out the Mommy Expressway, things change—especially for the Expressway, which should have an “Out of Order” sign for the next 3 to 6 months ... or, forever. Basically, we are now peeing with the regularity of a Kanye West meltdown.

In case you're wondering what exactly could make a mom leak like a firehose, let me demystify the whole thing for you.

A mom just might pee her pants if ...

She is laughing.

We’re laughing on the outside, but the truth is we’re peeing on the inside. Every time we giggle, chuckle or even just mime a laugh, we are taking a ride on the yellow highway. When you see moms laughing at a coffeeshop, you don’t have to wonder—there’s a golden shower happening.

She is coughing.

Now that we've given birth to little germ incubators, we're constantly exposed to an array of viruses with names like RSV and Croup. As a result, we're constantly coughing and, you guessed it, sprinkling the cupcake. This is why, when you see a mom coughing, she first curls into a ball and then gets a glazed look of resignation on her face. That’s the “I just washed my Gap Bodywear in the Amber Ocean” look.

This is the strongest indication that a mom is playing water sports in her adult romper.

She is walking with purpose.

See that mom striding toward her kid who just ate sand? Not only is she about to save her toddler, she’s flash-flooding the sexual Sahara. If someone wants to play with nature, try scaring her a little. You can be sure that she will be visiting her Aunt Goldie Hawn shortly.

She is sitting and a strong breeze comes her way.

Since pretty much everything makes us empty the tank, it’s safe to assume that a strong breeze is a terrible threat for the mom forecast. So when a mom's in the room, hold off on powerful fans, air conditioners and blowing on them—or they will be streaming the movie “On Golden Pond” to their nether-Hulu.

She is doing anything at all.

This is the strongest indication that a mom is playing water sports in her adult romper. If she has even the slightest cause for movement, be it a grimace, a finger wag or pushing a button on the remote, she’s leaking government secrets to the federal bureau of her underpants.

This comprehensive list should give you an idea of the reason that moms are constantly changing their clothes and excusing themselves from tapas with their friends who have never had children. The yellow burden is real—SO REAL. Take it from a mom who's currently spouting comedy gold to her downtown audience as she types.

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