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32 Things My Sons Ask While I Put On Makeup

Photograph by Getty Images

Over the holidays, I had lots of occasions to get dolled up and go out. I'm a girly girl, and I love any excuse to dress up and put on makeup. I always imagined that I'd have a girl someday, and she'd play around with my lipstick and blush—just like I did when I was a little girl and my mom got dressed up to go out.

But I had two boys.

For us, that means I don't have anyone asking to try on my lipstick. I'm OK with that, I really am. One thing I didn't anticipate? That my boys would be even be interested in my makeup drawer and what I was putting on my face. You'd think having boys meant putting on makeup without being bothered.

You'd be wrong.

Here's what an evening in front of my makeup mirror usually looks like:

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1. What is this? (Eyelash curler)

2. What is this? (Blush brush)

3. What is this? (Eyeliner)

4. Can I use this? (Eyelash curler)

5. Can I use this? (Blush brush)

6. Can I use this? (Eyeliner)

[NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!]

7. Can I put this on you?

8. Can I put this on my brother?

9. Why are there pencils in here?

10. Why do you have so many lipsticks?

11. Why do you have so much lip gloss?

12. What are you using these tiny scissors for?

[Never speak of what I need those for. NEVER.]

13. Can I use these pencils for my homework?

14. They ARE real pencils. See? I just wrote my name on the floor. What? If you're not using them, why can't I use them?

Are you sure I don't need makeup?

15. My 4-year-old son: Why do you need this? Me: It's blush. It makes my cheeks rosy. My 4-year-old: I WANT ROSY CHEEKS!

16. Are my cheeks rosy?

17. Are they rosy now?

18. My 6-year-old son: This bottle spilled. I didn't do it.

19. Maybe it was him. [Pointing at his brother.]

20. Maybe it was you. [Pointing at me.]

21. Why do you have so much perfume?

22. Do I need to use perfume?

[DON'T TOUCH MY PERFUME!]

23. Then why do you need to use perfume?

24. Why are you putting that in your eye?

25. You're too close to your eye.

26. YOU'RE GOING TO POKE YOUR EYES OUT!

Does Daddy need to put on makeup?

27. Are you going to poke MY eyes out?

28. Why do girls wear makeup?

29. My 4-year-old son: Can boys wear makeup? Me: Well, yes, they can if they want. And some boys like to wear makeup. But, you're too young either way. My 4-year-old son: PUT MAKEUP ON ME NOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

30. My 6-year-old son: But *I* can wear makeup, right?

[No, you cannot! You are both too young to wear makeup!]

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31. Does Daddy need to put on makeup?

32. Are you sure I don't need makeup?

Finally, I relent. I put blush on my 4-year-old (His cheeks did, in fact, look very rosy). I let my 6-year-old try on my lip gloss (He hated its sticky texture and immediately started spitting it off, into the sink). I did not put any makeup on my husband. Though, now that I think about it, who wouldn't benefit from a little under-eye concealer?

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