Maybe you just had a baby and your body needs a good long break before you even consider reopening for business. Maybe, like me, you’re done having kids because your family feels complete. Either way, you’re not trying to procreate. Any sex you’re having is purely recreational. (Hooray!)
Which is why an ever-so-slightly late period or strange bout of cramping/sore boobs/super-nose/nausea/exhaustion that reminds of you those classic early pregnancy signs can be downright terrifying.
Here are 20 thoughts that go through a mom’s mind when she’s got all the kids she can handle but she thinks she might be accidentally pregnant.
1. Oh shit.
2. This can’t be happening.
3. Why didn’t I get my tubes tied the moment I delivered my last baby?
4. No, screw that. Why didn’t my husband take one for the team and get a vasectomy? I am so mad at him right now.
5. This feels like a cosmic joke. Our "baby stuff" yard sale was last week.
6. I don’t want to be pregnant again right now. I like my pants with the buttons.
7. I am not looking forward to all the vomiting.
8. Or the hemorrhoids.
What the hell are we going to name this thing? All the good names are taken by, you know, the kids we had on purpose!
9. If I’m going to have to be pregnant, could I just get the epidural now please?
10. Our house is way too small for another kid. Should we move? I’m going to start looking on Zillow. Hmm, open floor plan, nice curb appeal ...
11. Focus! ... on a minivan. We'll just have to bite the bullet. It’s swagger wagon time.
12. We are going to be so broke. I’m glad we went to New Jersey last year because that’s the last vacation this family will ever take.
13. And what the hell are we going to name this thing? All the good names are taken by, you know, the kids we had on purpose!
14. OMG, I am the worst. Seriously. Any baby is a blessing. Think of all the women out there trying so hard to conceive right now and just shut up.
15. Really, what’s one more tiny baby?
16. One sweet, delicious, little baby to love and hold and sniff and snuggle.
17. A baby who will still be in high school when my other kids leave me and go off to college.
18. I think I want another baby. I hope I’m pregnant!
19. Wait, is that my period?
20. Oh shit.