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I Gave My Husband the Side-Eye ... and You Did Too

Photograph by Twenty20

Oh, marriage. It's a real treat, most of the time. But, sometimes, my darling husband walks the plank to his own disastrous destiny. Not to say that I never do anything shame-worthy—but, boy oh boy, has this guy said and done some things that drive me mad!

Take this last week, for example. I planned to go to Costco on Friday and knew there were probably a few things he wanted. So, on Wednesday, I sent him this cheery little text: “Hey, honey, headed to Costco this week … let me know what you’d like me to add to the list!” I didn’t hear back, so Friday, before loading the kids in the car, I reached out again, “On my way to Costco, holler with your list!” No reply.

Two hours later, I was loading a giant Costco load of treasures into the van and heard my phone ding. “Deli turkey, chicken breasts and plain Greek yogurt, please!” What?! I only had one of the three requests in my cart. I replied with a side-eye emoji and “Sorry … will add those to the list for next time.”

Have you had your own side-eye moment lately? Or one from way back when that is forever part of your marital history?

These mamas are spilling their own version of my Costco story, and you’re going to laugh, nod and surely think of your own side-eye story. After all, we all know those husband-kissing photos on Instagram have a ton of real-life stories behind them!

We had a babysitter for our 2-year-old for our 5th anniversary and planned to go to Texas Roadhouse. The casual setting was fine because we like casual when we're tired. But, during dinner, he proceeded to watch the two TVs behind me 95 percent of the time and could barely focus on what I was saying (our anniversary is in late fall when there is constant football). He was so distracted, I was exhausted, and we barely spoke. I got more and more upset. I went to the bathroom in the restaurant and bawled for about five minutes. When I came back to the table, I was surprised that he noticed my red eyes and blotchy face and he then had the BALLS to ask, "What's wrong?" We have forbidden ourselves from going to Texas Roadhouse for an anniversary again.

–Melanie*, married 10 years

Sometimes, my darling husband walks the plank to his own disastrous destiny.

When my hubby and I recently went on an anniversary trip, I actually suggested that we travel separately—so, if something happened, our children wouldn’t be left orphans. My husband thought I was being ridiculous but then we got into the morbid conversation of who the kids would be best left with: him or me. In my eyes, it was an obvious choice. But without hesitation, he said, “It would probably be best for the kids if I survived. I mean, I’d get to keep my job, they wouldn’t have to move houses or schools … plus your mom probably could pretty easily take over your mothering role."

–Autumn*, married 7 years

One night, I arrived home and got all the people set up with food: me, my husband and both kids. I contained the baby in the high chair and said I needed to wash my hair real quick. I’d be back in less than 10 minutes. His reply (with a SIGH) was, “Do you really need THAT LONG?” And then, he died, because yes, looks can kill, and I gave him the side-eye of the century!

–Leigh*, married 11 years

My husband once tried to make himself lunch. He looked in the fridge for 10 minutes while sighing heavily/commenting out loud that he couldn't find the lunch meat. After I sat, just watching him, amused but not offering help, he concluded, "You must have thrown out all that deli meat, huh?" and shut the fridge to accept his fate of having no lunch that day. As you can probably guess, the lunch meat was literally in the same drawer we have kept it for 10 years of marriage, but he was still surprised when I finally got up and pulled it out. I mean ... ???

–Chantelle*, married 10 years

*Names have been changed to protect the almost innocent husbands that we truly do adore!