It’s almost Halloween! Time to explain to your toddler that while talking skeletons might be spooky, the one living under your skin right now is totally friendly. It's also time to think about what costumes to rock this year. Now that you’re a mom, can you still wear a sexy costume? You bet your G-string (that’s now a hair tie)!
It seems that you can add a pair of cutoffs to anything and ring the Halloween bell. In fact, the costume industry has gone to great lengths to create not only a sexy Cinderella, but a sexy Crayon costume which is confusing on a lot of levels to men who enjoyed coloring as a child. In keeping with the grand tradition of making every costume “sexy,” I bring you the seven mom-themed Halloween costumes that are sexier than a jar of mustard wearing thigh-highs!
1. Sexy Working Mom Pumping — Picture yourself in a ridiculously short business suit and heels topped off with a cute new accessory: a breast pump. Look like a modern-day Diane Keaton in this sexy version of the working mom. Comes with a detachable picture of your boss telling you to get back to work because you’re taking too long in the break room and he’s late for fantasy football.
2. Sexy Mom That Just Got Thrown Up On — Daisy dukes are covered in fake vomit for this sensual look. Comes with an old sock so you can pretend to provocatively wipe it up at your neighbor’s front door. This Halloween is going to be the sexiest!
3. Sexy Mom Showering After Five Days of Not Showering — Rock this extra shortened bath towel with a pair with over-the-knee boots! Comes with a wig prepared by nesting raccoons for authentic mom hair.
Picture yourself in a ridiculously short business suit and heels topped off with a cute new accessory: a breast pump.
4. Sexy Mom in the Morning — While in an oversized T-shirt that is showing a little too much, a bathrobe and pair of biker shorts, you'll carry a coffee cup while eating old Goldfish crackers that have been stuck to your shirt for who knows how long. You'll also be walking the dog. The only difference between you and Kim Kardashian is a bunch of filters and a curated, million-dollar wardrobe! Your spandex bodysuit is rolled in body sweat followed by Goldfish crackers.
5. Sexy Mom Looking at Other People's Vacation Photos Online — Bags of popcorn complete this sexy look, as well as tears of the baby elephants that you’ll never have on your Instagram. Nude bra is detachable and spouse’s pajama pants should be shortened to show off those unshaven legs!
6. Sexy Mom Wearing an Old T-Shirt, Baggy Sweats and a Resting Bitch Face to Bed — Twirl about in this sexy getup. This is really just a shirt with holes cut in it, but who’s counting? Comes with bedazzled earplugs to complete the look.
7. Sexy Mom at a Nightclub Asleep Because It's After 8 p.m. — Look like you still go out in a nightclub dress, but pair it with a bit of fake drool because you fell asleep! Paint on the fake (or not so fake) dark circles under your eyes, smear that red lipstick a bit and make sure one side of your hairstyle is disheveled.