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8 Savage Clapbacks for the Jerk Who Thinks You’re Pregnant When You’re Not

Photograph by Twenty20

No matter how long it’s been since you’ve given birth, some knucklehead is going to spend way too much time eyeing your not-quite-flat belly like the Pregnancy C.S.I. that they think they are. And, after staring at your belly for a while, said knucklehead is probably going to say something to the effect of “When are you due?” Since you’re not due—you’re not even pregnant!—you’re going to want to run out of the room and ugly-cry for a few days, sure that you’re the size of an NFL linebacker. Which, you’re not.

I know, because I’ve been there.

I’ve felt the shame of some stranger basically telling me I look fat. And, while I was left to trudge away, embarrassed and horrified that I must look large enough to be pregnant, the only people who should feel awkward are the ones making the comments.

So, ladies, the next time someone asks you if you’re pregnant when you’re not, go ahead and get rid of the feeling of humiliation and say goodbye to feeling ashamed. Hold your head up high and clap back with some of my favorite retorts regarding the baby not inside your belly.

“Pregnant? Who’s pregnant?”

Instead of you feeling awkward, let the person who asked feel awkward by putting it right back on them. If anyone should walk away feeling embarrassed, it shouldn’t be you.

“I’m not pregnant. I'm just big-boned.”

There’s nothing wrong with addressing the fact that what you have is a grown woman's body. That means your stomach might not be concave—which doesn’t have to mean there’s a baby inside it.

“I’m not pregnant, so it'll get real awkward if you touch my belly.”

Personal space is a big thing!

It sucks to have someone think you’re pregnant when you’re not.

“No baby here, but thanks for making me feel fat.”

Maybe the person making the comment will think twice the next time they want to chat about a pregnant lady who isn’t actually pregnant.

“Nope, not pregnant. Boy, is the rest of your day going to suck.”

It sucks to have someone think you’re pregnant when you’re not. It’s even worse to be the person who asked someone if they were pregnant when they weren’t.

“I’m not pregnant—are you?”

For the particularly rude commenter, feel free to look at their belly and then ask if they’re with child. They may not find it funny, but you sure will.

“It’s true. I'm expecting a burger!”

Since they only thing you’re probably carrying in your belly is lunch, you might as well have fun with it. Maybe you’ll get a gift!

“How about you don't comment on my body and I won't comment on yours.”

Since it’s rude to comment at all on someone’s body, this is generally a good mantra to live by.

Me, I have a rule that unless someone’s crowning, I don’t comment on their pregnancy status. Turns out, that's not such a bad idea after all.

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