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Dear Husband, This Is Why I Didn't 'Get Around' to Washing the Dishes

Photograph by Mum on the Run

Dear husband,

I want to tell you why the dishes aren’t done, and why one day I might throw them all out the window.

You see, I started the dishes, but halfway through the toddler sh*t her pants, so I had to change her. Do you know toddlers can produce purple poo after eating blueberries? I didn’t until I called emergency, the lady called me an abomination, anyway, those dishes ...

So I noticed that all her toys were scattered everywhere so I started putting them away when there was a cry in the bedroom—the baby had woken up.

So I thought, I’ll quickly make him a bottle after I wash those dishes, but, oh wow, he smelled a little like cheese. Not quite blue cheese but definitely cheddar, aged cheddar that would pair with a nice shiraz, which I’d drink but I’ve got no wine glasses left, because I haven’t washed them.

I thought I should run a bath for him, but noticed the bath was dirty so I started to clean it, then remembered there were towels in the dryer.

Took the towels out, and loaded up a new load of washing and began folding, I'll use this dishtowel to wipe the dishes clean ... oh sh*t ... I gotta get laundry powder. Maybe I’ll do an online shop because I’d rather stick my tit in a blender then go to the shops with the kids. I open the Internet browser and see “online claim.” Ohh yeah, forgot about the crack in the car windscreen, better finish that claim off and get it fixed. Wonder if it’s free? I might call them ... dial number ... 10 minutes on hold? Hmm, might just do it online—ain’t nobody got time for that! I gotta wash those dishes!

Where’s the computer ... I’ll do it online properly, trip over Legos ... who the f*ck left this here?

“Kids! Come clean up your mess.” Ahh, I know they won’t do it... start picking up Legos.

Can’t remember what I was going to do. I even said it out loud, to no one, of course.

Oh sh*t — a spider! I really should call an exterminator. Why won’t you just let me get an exterminator? What’s with men and hiring help? I also walked into the bedroom four times and stood there for a while. Can’t remember what I was going to do. I even said it out loud, to no one, of course. Maybe it was wash the dishes, but there’s no dishes in the bedroom, silly.

Oh yeah you sent a text, forgot to reply, better check it.

Think I’ll boil the kettle, should make a bottle, oh yeah, the text ... Reminder to pay the bill. Ahh sh*t, that other fine is overdue? Where is it? Rummage through boxes, oh wow! Photos from my high school! Better take a photo and show my friends ... OK, but first, dishes! Hmm, wonder when our next catch up is meant to be? Better text Stef ... oh sh*t ... did I reply to Diana? I can’t remember. Gosh, I’m a bad friend. I should Google “how to be a better friend” ... hmm, oh sh*t, yeah, that claim. Oh, and that bill.

Oh yeah, and the fricken dishes. Uh. I need a personal assistant.

Her name should be Shelly because Shellys get sh*t done and talk to the manager. Where did that spider go? Better not lay eggs in my head at night. Wonder if that’s possible? Better Google that.

“Hey! Don’t stick those toys in the toilet!” “Stop eating that dirt!” Better make them lunch. Oh sh*t, the dishes.

Hmm what’s that smell? Is it the shower? Better clean the shower. Have I showered? *sniff tests* Oh wow, must have been me, but no time for hygiene—better baby-wipe that stink. Oh crap, running out of wipes. Add that to the list of online shop. Hmm? What else do we need? Better check the cupboard. Oh yeah, should make lunch while I’m there. I should really eat salad. Bleh. Salad. Can you lose weight eating cookies? I wonder if there’s a cookie diet? I’ll Google.

Oh no, who’s crying? Oh sh*t, yeah, the cheesy baby. Did I feed him? Better do that. Oh crap, no clean dishes ... better wash those damn things.

This post was written by Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run and originally reprinted with permission on mom.me sister site CafeMom.