Join Club Momme for exclusive access to giveaways, discounts and more!

Sign up

I Tried Being a Cool Mom But Failed So Hard

Photograph by Twenty20

I wasn't one of the cool girls in school. I was more the introverted, book reading, obsessively writing nerd-type girls who knew more about middle-aged journalists and old films than current pop culture. I was OK with it, but who doesn't long to be part of the cool crowd for at least a little while?

I thought I would get a chance when I had kids. I could be one of the Cool Moms. It's not quite the same as being one of the Cool Girls in school (or is it?), but still … I could strive for coolness. Never mind that in my suburban neck of the woods I'm about 10 years (who am I kidding? Probably 15-20 years) older than most of the Cool Moms because I had my kids so late. I hear that in the big cities, being a mid-40s mom is de rigueur, but I'm not moving to Manhattan or Los Angeles anytime soon. Despite my age, surely I could study their ways and become one of the Cool Moms, right?

Um … wrong.

RELATED: The Last Thing Moms Want to Do is Cuddle a Baby Animal

I just don't have what it takes to be cool. I know, I know, I can define cool however I want, I'm not a teenager, blah, blah. I could infiltrate the Cool Moms club and bring my own brand of coolness and all that, but that seems so exhausting.

I am not cool and I will never be cool. How do I know? I studied the Cool Moms in their habitat and noted our differences. And by "habitat" I mean Starbucks, which also happens to be my habitat, but it's like two different habitats at the botanical gardens with the Cool Moms being lush, high-maintenance hothouse orchids from exotic locations and me being a common North American sunflower.

1. Cool Moms take spin classes and wear workout gear from Lulumon.

I'm not sure what a spin class is and I had to Google Lulumon to figure out how to spell it, only to discover they don't even carry my size.

2. Cool Moms drink skinny chai lattes and leave lipstick marks on the white plastic lid of their Starbucks cups.

I hate chai. I don't wear lipstick except on rare occasions when I go out at night and I usually chew it off before I get out of the car. I could probably fake the chai part, but in 40 years no one has taught me how to keep the lipstick on.

(I throw) an Oreo in with the crackers to make up for my inadequacies.

3. Cool Moms knew what a bento box was before their kid started school and they craft clever kid lunches five days a week.

This is another instance where Google was my friend. While I now know what a bento box is, I have no idea how to make peanut butter and jelly and goldfish crackers look more appealing. My skills are limited to cutting the sandwiches into halves or quarters and throwing an Oreo in with the crackers to make up for my inadequacies.

4. Cool Moms have Pinterest boards with titles like "Clever Lunch Ideas" and "Morning Affirmations."

I have Pinterest boards titled Recipes and More Recipes. You'd think a writer would be more clever, huh?

5. Cool Moms take yoga. Cooler Moms take hot yoga.

Yoga leaves me feeling impatient and annoyed. And the first time someone described hot yoga to me, it sounded like a torture method. Why? Why would you do that to yourself?

6. Cool Moms love sushi.

There's a reason I didn't know what a bento box is. Sushi is not in my diet. Ever. OK, maybe if I were stranded on a deserted island. But I'd still try like hell to start a fire and cook it first.

I have carpal tunnel syndrome and shouldn't be doing repetitive motions like cutting out a bunch of stars.

7. Cool Moms volunteer to cut out 500 stars for the first-grade class's astronomy display and they do it while watching "Downton Abbey" and drinking cucumber water.

Last night I watched reruns of "The Good Wife" with my husband while we polished off a bag of Doritos. (True story.) Also, I have carpal tunnel syndrome and shouldn't be doing repetitive motions like cutting out a bunch of stars. (Possible true story.)

8. Cool Moms call their friends "my bitches" and "my besties."

Maybe it's my age, but call me your bitch and I'm going to smack you up side the head. And "bestie" makes me shudder even more than BFF. She's my friend. MY FRIEND. And no, she's not cool, either.

9. Cool Moms have sleek ponytails and expensive sunglasses that cover half of their faces.

Ponytails give me headaches and "sleek" describes my hair from the minute I put the flat iron down until the minute I walk out the door and the humidity strikes. My sunglasses are $10 cheapies from Target that are tossed in a drawer somewhere and have more scratches than a dog with fleas.

10. Cool Moms wear visors unironically.

Seriously, they do. I don't know why.

RELATED: Mom Friends Are the Hardest Friends to Make

OK, so maybe I'm stereotyping the Cool Moms a little bit (or a lot). But we all know a few moms who seem to be in a different league of motherhood, don't we? The moms who get it right, every time, who seem to just know things without the benefit of Google. It's like the cool girls in school who exuded confidence and knowledge of social mores without any of the learning curve the rest of us experienced. I envied those girls and I envy the Cool Moms and their ability to seemingly glide through this minefield known as motherhood. Good for you, Cool Moms! Now, could you tell me … what does the MK on your bag stand for?

Share this on Facebook?

Explore More: funny, friends, advice
More from lifestyle