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First it was the house dress—the outfit of choice for
slatternly mothers. Then came sweatpants, yoga pants, jeggings and now,
mothers and seekers of comfort, let me introduce to you the jumpsuit.
The jumpsuit, at first glance, might not fit your ideal for
the perfect mom outfit. How do you pee in it? How do you get inside? Will I
look like an Oompa Loompa? Are all fair and valid questions. But remember, when
the jegging first came out, everyone was all, "I won't wear that, it's
too tight!" But then slowly, we all realized, hey, tight clothing can be
comfy especially when paired with stretchy forgiving fabric and elastic waist
bands. What I'm saying is, all you jegging deniers were wrong. And you
jumpsuit critics? Well, you'll be eating your words as you stock up on jumpsuits
on Old Navy clearance for next season.
You put it on. You put on
shoes. Done. You don't have to match.
You don't have to worry about whether your favorite top is clean enough to wear
with your pants. It's like a dress, but you don't have to worry about showing
off your legs. (Unless you want to, because there are jumpsuits with shorts.)
The joke is on them because I have pockets and I didn't shower. Boom.
2. The jumpsuit is a forgiving outfit
The jumpsuit forgives
almost more than our Lord. The stretchy waistband hits a good spot. The flowy
fabric that almost all jumpsuits are made out of is kind to those beautiful
lumpy bits we all have. It's like the
theological concept of grace, but in the form of an outfit you can buy at
I have bought five jumpsuits all from various
locations and they have all had pockets. Maybe this was a fluke, maybe not. But
pockets, it seems, are standard, or at least, very common among popular jumpsuit
models. And they are the nice pockets too, not like the token pockets that most
women's jeans have. You know what I mean, those pockets where you go, "Oh,
pockets" but you can't even fit your phone in there. So you know that
whoever designed them was some guy who thinks women don't need as much room as
men and probably manspreads on airplanes. Well, whoever designed
this crop of jumpsuits knows better. You can fit a lot in there. Use them.
Many of you are still held back by the whole, "Do I
have to take the whole thing off to pee?" question and yes, OK. You have
to flash some bra to pee. But who cares? If your kids are like mine they are
constantly pulling down your clothes and asking, "Where is mommy's
penis?" You have no privacy. Lean into it in comfort with a jumpsuit.
Another criticism I get of the jumpsuit is that you might
look like you are in a steel workers union, which so what? Unions are great.
More unions. But also, you don't look like it. Jumpsuits are amazing. Whenever I wear one, other
moms raise their eyebrows and say, "Why are you so fancy?!" It's a
common refrain among us yoga pants clad masses whenever another one tries to
rise too far above her uterus-determined station. But the joke is on them
because I have pockets and I didn't shower. Boom.
Jumpsuit: Look fancy. Have
pockets. Don't shower.
Embrace the jumpsuit as the new mom uniform of a
whole new generation.